Free Overqualified by Joey Comeau Page A

MY PET MONSTER, MIKE DOUGHTY, DANCE, DANCE, DRUNK DRIVER, REVOLUTION, COBOL, PASCAL, ART, DECO, ADRIAN
    So I could write anything I want, and your warrior robots will kindly index me because I mention HARVARD, because I mention MIT RESEARCH LABS, because I mention the YALE KNITTING CIRCLE. Your lead robot will look over the lists that the lower robots are churning out, and say,

    â€œThere are too many, motherfucker! Sort them by year of graduation, and we’ll take the youngest into consideration. They’ll work for peanuts.” All the robots will laugh in that horrific robot voice. And as long as I get the most hits from the search engines, you’ll hire me.
    GRADUATED IN 2004 GRADUATED WITH HONOURS JENNIFER LOPEZ HOSPITAL TERROR SUSAN GIRLFRIEND $insurance-name $3psn-vb-pst
    So, I’ll just load up this email up with keywords RELIABLE PERFECTIONIST LIAR LIAR PERL C++ C# C*&%^$^ VISUAL BASIC AUDIO BASIC JAVA BeOS GENTLEMEN’S SOCIAL and in amongst all the keywords, will your robots find the real message?
    I’m coming down there. I have a hammer and I’m going to use it to crack your robots’ heads. I’m going to bust open the sides of your machines so that YALE PRINCETON NO CRIMINAL HISTORY BACKGROUND SEXUALITY CHECK RESULTS VOTED WHICH WAY spill out all over your shiny marble floor.
    Joey Comeau

    Dear Absolut Vodka,
    I am writing to apply for a position in your advertising department. I have included my resume, which outlines my extensive experience with marketing campaigns, and with the development of brand initiatives for alcoholic beverages. These materials should give you an adequate overview of my professional experience, so I would like to use this cover letter to tell you a story.
    When I was eight, my brother and I used to fight to the death on the roof of the barn. There wasn’t much else to do out in the country, with those fields and that one red road. Not red like blood. Red like clay. Red like the desert cliffs in western movies. We rode our bikes on that red pavement. We swam in the warm water. We fought to the death.
    It wasn’t a tall barn, maybe twelve feet high, with old farm equipment laid against the side, rusted spiked ladders for our small hands. We climbed up and stood on that roof. In our heads this was the climax of an action movie. We’d never seen an action movie that took place above a vineyard, but that was okay. This wasn’t a vineyard. It was a lost temple, overgrown in the jungle. We made up characters for ourselves. We hummed our own fight music.
    Adrian was always a better fighter. He knew how to make me angry, and being angry made me sloppy. I lunged. I tried to shove him and he spun around, throwing me off balance. I fell off the edge, backwards, Adrian laughing. I hit theground hard and my lungs went empty. Grass in my mouth, mud between my fingers.
    I climbed back up, tearing my hands on rust and too angry to care. Adrian laughed until I was right there, until I was up on that barn again and I almost had him, and then he turned and leapt. He never looked first.
    I learned that from my younger brother. You don’t look first. You jump and you trust that your body knows what to do. You don’t know what I mean, do you, Absolut? Your commercials are all pretty pictures and clever design. They’re very attractive. I am applying for a job, because I don’t think you understand what it means to be cool or strong or invincible. You of all people should know. That is what alcohol does. It makes you strong. You can fight anyone. You can seduce any woman. You can drive faster than death.
    Joey Comeau

    Dear Levi Strauss & Co.,
    I am writing to apply for a retail position, as advertised on your website. I have managerial experience, and I recognize that I am overqualified for sales, but I want something simple. I want to find sizes for cranky customers. I want to come back late from my lunch break, and I don’t want to bring