Free Mealtimes and Milestones by Constance Barter Page B

couldn’t blame things on having a tube, and I would have to express myself, which I didn’t feel ready to do. I’ve used it as a bit of a
scapegoat. I hate the way I look, my body, my face, but with the tube in I could blame that, because without it, then perhaps I would be able to see myself as a prettier person.
    I am cross that it had to be taken out, but now that it has gone I feel upset. But I feel glad, too, because this is an opportunity to show what I can accomplish – yet it also seems like
just another opportunity to fail.
    I talked to my key worker about my problems with connections. I talked, for the first time, about a really good friend who moved abroad in the summer and how much I miss her. When others at
school used to confront me head-on about eating and exercise, she would be there to talk and be more subtle about it. She used to be an ear to listen to my problems and a shoulder to cry on at
school when it all became too much. My key worker wondered whether anorexia really took control when my friend left, and suggested that perhaps I struggle in making connections with people because
I’m afraid that they will leave again. I found this talk really helpful because it feels like we have really got to the bottom of at least one of my problems.
    Tuesday 16 October
    The morning started off well: I didn’t want the tube to go back. But as the day went on, I felt that motivation slip right through my fingers.
    In Feelings Group, 27 it was mentioned that it had been quite a big day for the community because two people have had their tubes removed. I was invited to
talk about how I was going to express myself now. I became very anxious and I felt very reluctant. I explained about the bracelets despite not wanting to.
    ‘You can’t tell people,’ it told me.
    I went against it, but consequently felt so awful and guilty. I feel exposed and vulnerable now people know what I am feeling by looking at the colour of the bracelet. If I don’t wear one,
it means that I am OK. I took it off in Feelings Group because I felt so self-conscious.
    I think part of the problem lies in time. I can’t understand why people would want to give their time to help me – I’m just worthless. I haven’t done anything really
wrong, so I can’t really explain what I’ve done which makes me hate myself so much. I think that is why it is so hard to unlock, because there is actually no real answer or reason
– it is just a very strong voice.
    After Feelings Group I had some time to think and I put my blue bracelet back on. I was able to realize that, although it is still hard to know that people know what I am feeling,' ultimately it
is helpful. The staff congratulated me because they saw it as a real improvement – I, however, do not.
    Wednesday 17 October
    I had therapy today. It was the first session I had had in about two months when I hadn’t had a tube in. It felt quite strange and really exposing. We talked about
my feelings around it, and I was able to talk more openly about it. I can really see the benefits of not having a tube. I can see how much of a block it is. For the first time since it has come
out, I feel really free and liberated, and this feels really good.
    Thursday 18 October
    I was still a long way behind on my fluids and I really didn’t want to go to my core team meeting because I knew how the conversation would go – it would end with them passing the
tube for the third time. My core team meeting was at 2.30 p.m., and my mum was picking me up at the same time to go to the orthodontist because my retainer had broken and it was the only time he
could see me. We were just about to leave, but they called me in, and of course it came up – but they came up with three ideas about passing the tube, if I continued to be low on
fluids:
1.
The tube would be re-passed as normal.
2.
The tube would be inserted, but I would have to feed myself through the tube.
3.
The tube would be passed at a