Free The Trouble with Emily Dickinson by Ken McKowen Page B

let them in? You
know, let them in to get to know the real you?”
    “So it’s my fault?” Kendal’s hand smacked her
own chest. “Is that what you are saying?”
    “I’m not pointing fingers,” said JJ quickly.
“All I’m saying is that friendships involve at least two people,
right? And each person has to give a little in order to get a
little. If you don’t let them see the real you, how are they
supposed to get to know the real you?”
    Kendal halted her rant. She hadn’t thought of
it that way.
    “It’s just an outside opinion, of course,”
said JJ.
    “I get what you’re saying. I think I’m just
frustrated with everything in my life now. Before it all made
sense, but somewhere along the way I’ve changed and suddenly
nothing makes any sense to me anymore.”
    “Trust me, I know the feeling.”
    “You do?”
    “Of course I do. Before I accepted the fact
that I was gay, everything in my life seemed simple. I had
boyfriends and everything made sense. And then suddenly it all
began to change. I wasn’t happy with anything anymore and I
couldn’t understand why. Things that I once enjoyed became boring
to me or unimportant.” JJ looked down at her empty hands and then
at Kendal. “But once I figured out the root of it, things began to
fall into place again. Now I know that this is who I am and who I’m
happy being. Things in my life make sense again.”
    “That must have been hard, holding something
like that inside without telling anyone. My problem is that I don’t
even know the root of why things have changed for me.”
    “Well, I don’t think it’s because you are
gay,” JJ said with a smirk.
    Kendal laughed. “No, I don’t think so
either.” Though lately she wasn’t so sure.
    “Maybe you are just changing as a person. It
doesn’t have to be anything specific. Could be as simple as your
outlook on life or what has become important to you now, as opposed
to when you were a freshman. I think that when we get to college,
we’ll do a lot of soul-searching and find out who we really are.
You’re just getting a head start.”
    “I feel like I can really talk to you,”
Kendal said suddenly. “Sorry for going off like that. I know you’re
my tutor, and not my counselor.”
    JJ felt her face grow hot, and she knew she
was blushing. She stared ahead, avoiding Kendal’s eyes.
    “I’m glad. It’s, uh, important to feel
comfortable with your tutor.”
    Kendal repositioned her chair at the table
and moved closer to JJ. “Okay. I feel better. And I think I can
actually concentrate on studying.” She unzipped her backpack and
took out a purple folder and a couple of books. “So, back to
poetry. Let’s do this one first.”
    She opened one of her book to a page marked
with a yellow sticky note, and then slid the volume over to JJ.
    JJ regained her composure and looked down at
the page.
    “A Letter to Daphnis,” she read. “Anne Finch
was a talented woman.”
    “I’m sure she was. I think I prefer
Dickinson, though.”
    “How come?”
    “I don’t know. Maybe because I finally
understand her poetry now, and I don’t want to move on to other
authors.” Kendal forced a laugh. “Stick to what you know,
right?”
    “I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough
credit,” JJ reassured her, easing into a smile, admiring the dips
along the edge of Kendal’s lips and how they were most visible
whenever Kendal seemed self-conscious.
    “What?” Kendal asked, nervously brushing a
strand of hair from face.
    “Nothing,” said JJ.
    They read the poem together as JJ pointed out
a few key lines to help Kendal make sense of the poem as a
whole.
    “Finch was a true feminist, though she didn’t
want that to override the fact that she was still deeply in love
and could be in love, while still maintaining her sense of self. In
this poem, she expresses how, though it is difficult, one can still
find a happy medium between being both a devoted lover and an
opinionated woman at the same