Free The First Time is the Hardest: An Austin Brothers Novella (Austin Brothers Series Book 1) by L A Cotton Page A

thoughts … on more than just my thoughts.
    “Is it real? Whatever is going on between the two of you? I thought it was just a moment of crisis thing, but you seem different, Jeanie. I can’t put my finger on it, but ever since the funeral, you’re different.”
    “At first, I thought it was just our grief, you know. Losing Lucas”—I squeezed my eyes shut as if that would shut out the painful memories—”literally shattered my heart, Tan. I didn’t choose this. It just happened, but Ryan is …”
    I couldn’t find the right words. He wasn’t someone to replace Lucas—no one could ever do that—but he made me feel like things could be okay. He understood me—what I felt, the things I was going through. And somewhere along the way, I found myself wanting to know Ryan—to learn more about the guy behind the stormy eyes. Only in the process, he’d found a way into my heart. I didn’t plan to let it happen, but it had.
    Now, I had to deal with that.
    “You’re not a child anymore. It isn’t for me, or Chase, or Colton, or even Mom and Dad to tell you who you can and can’t be with, but I just hope you know what you’re doing, Jeanie. Ryan isn’t Lucas. He’s never going to be Lucas, and you’re both still hurting. I know he’s helping you come to terms with things now, but what about when the dust settles and you can finally let Lucas go? What then?”
    That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it?
    Because while I could no longer deny my feelings for Ryan, I wasn’t ready to let go of Lucas either.
    My voice came out as a whisper as I said, “I have no idea, but I need you to do something for me.”
    ~
    I stood outside of the motel room, fingers almost touching the door, heart pounding so hard I could hardly hear myself think. Tanner had tried to talk me out of it, but our conversation had made me realize a thing or two. So taking a deep breath, I raised my hand to knock, but before I made contact, the door swung open to reveal Ryan. His eyes widened a fraction before narrowing in on me. “What do you want?”
    “I- I …” This was not going the way I’d hoped. His wall was firmly back in place. “Ryan, I’m so-”
    “Sorry? You’re sorry, is that it? Are you fucking kidding me, Mila? You left … again. After everything .”
    My eyes shuttered, and I breathed in remembering last night.
    I couldn’t forget it.
    “Listen, I have to get out of here. Clear my head.”
    I reached out for him, but Ryan inched back as if my touch repelled him, and my heart sank.
    “Ryan, please. I just want to talk. There’s a place …” My voice trailed off. I was putting myself out there—for him. Couldn’t he see that?
    I waited, my hand still lingering between us awkwardly. Ryan’s eyes searched mine. For what, I wasn’t sure, but he hadn’t slammed the door in my face or left, yet. That had to be a good sign.
    Didn’t it?
    His hand rubbed the back of his neck all while he stared at me with emotionless eyes. I wanted to go to him, to show him that I was in this with him, but right now, he was the Ryan everyone else saw. The son his family had cast out. The guy that my brothers had warned me to stay away from. Not the Ryan I’d slowly been falling for. The Ryan who made me feel a little closer to whole every time he touched me.
    “Let’s go.” He pushed past me and kept moving. I pulled the door shut and followed him to his car. No words were spoken as we climbed inside and he backed out of the parking lot. He didn’t ask me where to, and I didn’t tell him.
    He just drove.
    Drove until the landscape changed and landmarks became recognizable. Until I was staring at the place my brothers had brought me to the day before the funeral … the place I’d wanted to bring Ryan to today.
    The car swerved off the main road, following the dirt track further down to the lake. When it rolled to a stop, I stared out at the scene I’d laid eyes on so many times before. “H- how did you know?” I