Free Dear Lumpy by Louise Mortimer Page B

utter balls. She even out talks your mother, no mean achievement.
    Best love to all,
    D
    The Cringer has just been v sick. I have ordered a new carpet of revolting colour for my bedroom, your mother is installing a bidet in her bathroom. No more news.
    Aunt Boo was my mother’s highly eccentric sister. My father once said her first husband, who was an actor and often played the part of drunken men, had spent his whole life rehearsing the part.

1980
    Chateau Geriatrica
    Burghclere
    Dearest L,
    I hope you are all thriving and that you yourself are conducting your life with appropriate decorum. I saw Loopy at Sandown looking rather damp, cold and dispirited. I went up to London twice last week. The first occasion was a huge lunch at Grosvenor House full of politicians of all parties, trade union leaders, bookmakers, foreign ambassadors and all sorts of riffraff out for a free tuck-in. Just my luck that I found myself seated next to a Newbury neighbour (v rich) with whom I have nothing in common. Two days later I had lunch at the Greenjackets Club with Noel Thistlethwayte and John Surtees. This was good fun though I drank too much and could not keep awake on the journey home. Your mother is in fair form: she has been in Leicestershire with her aunt who is, alas, showing ominous signs of wear and tear. Your mother’s dog was slightly seedy after an injection the other day and was fussed over as if it was a delicate baby ten days old. I think the vet must have got a bit browned off! We had a very good dinner with the Surtees on Saturday: a bearded man staying with them for a day knocked off a bottle of whisky and a bottle of gin during the time he was there. I did not take to him all that much. A man was murdered in Newbury on Friday: I did not actually know him but I think he was a tramp who operated a lot in this area. There is a theory he had a quarrel with another tramp when both were sloshed. Lupin is staying with Robin Grant-Sturgis, one of his few friends that so far has managed to keep out of gaol. I had a letter from your godfather Mr Langton-May: he seems to be getting over his heart attack. The weather has been cold and wet and there is no sign of a daffodil yet. The wood stove has been a success and I find if I stoke it up well at bed time it is still going strong at 9 a.m. the next day. Aunt Pam was at Sandown wearing a peculiar hat. The house next to the Alexanders is up for sale, I only hope the purchasers are not as boring as the present occupiers. I had my best jersey cleaned at great expense and within five minutes of putting it on had spilt doughnut jam all down the front. Maddening!
    Best love to all,
    RM
    V. dull letter but news in short supply.
    My father once told me that if he was reincarnated he would like to come back as one of my mother’s dogs.
    Dearest L,
    I hope you are all well and flourishing. Jane and Piers have just left. Jane was in good form but looked distinctly tired and seems busy.
    When I drove her to the station she found she had no money and touched me for a tenner. Goodbyee ten quid!
    Nidnod is much the same as ever but managed to get bitten by Moppet with whose private life she was interfering. I had a letter from Lupin today. It was a catalogue of minor disasters and uncomfortable encounters with weird animals. He rated Nairobi a second class Camberley. He has adopted a toad and named it after Patrick Fisher. I have a severe cold in the head which makes me morose (more so than usual). I took Jane to the Bladon Art Gallery yesterday. She addressed me as ‘old Frump’ and the lady who runs the gallery thought Jane was referring to her and took umbrage! I bought some fudge there which tasted like a very old cowpat. Cringer very wisely would not touch it. A woman at Newbury has strangled her 82 year old husband with a dressing gown cord. She said he made too many sexual demands but of course she was really after the poor old wreck’s money. William Bomer has won a prize at Bradfield