Free The Nanny Piggins Guide to Conquering Christmas by R. A. Spratt Page B

sisters should be here any moment. That’ll perk things up.’
    Nanny Piggins checked her watch. ‘If we all survive the next five minutes.’
    The doorbell rang.
    ‘Who could that be?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘It must be your sisters,’ said Derrick.
    ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Pigginses don’t arrive early. We devote every available minute of preparation time to ensuring that we look fabulous. Then we prefer to arrive a little bit late so that everyone is waiting in breathless anticipation.’
    The doorbell rang again.
    ‘Come along,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Let’s see who it is. It’s not like this lot are going to do anything interesting while we’re not looking.’
    When Nanny Piggins swung open the door she was immediately shocked and appalled, for there on the doorstep was her least favourite sibling (which was really saying something because most of her sisters were congenitally evil) . . . her brother.
    ‘Bramwell Piggins!’ said Nanny Piggins. (She had a way of saying her brother’s name that made it sound like the very rudest swear word.) ‘What on earth are you doing here?’
    ‘I heard you were having a family gathering,’ said Bramwell buoyantly, ‘so I thought I’d pop by and regale my delightful sisters with anecdotes about my latest exploits.’
    ‘You did no such thing,’ accused Nanny Piggins. ‘You came along because you knew that at any function I was hosting there would be impossibly delicious cake.’
    ‘There will? How lovely!’ said Bramwell. ‘Where’s the buffet table?’ he asked as he tried to edge his way around Nanny Piggins. But the fact that her brother had a slight weight problem (which is the polite way of saying he had an enormous weight problem) and was as wide as he was tall, was not going to deter Nanny Piggins from blocking his entry. She was a diminutive pig, at only 4 feet tall and only weighing 40 kilograms, but as she and Bramwell both knew full well, she could soon incapacitate him with a brutal noogie, wedgie, wet willie or any of the other forms of violence that are allowable in the eyes of the law between brothers and sisters.
    ‘You might as well let him in,’ said Derrick. (It was Christmas and therefore the time of being charitable.) ‘At least he’ll give the Greens something to talk about, or rather complain about.’
    ‘Yes, and I know what the topic of conversation will be,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Your Great Aunt Hilda will take one look at him and start talking about bacon sandwiches. She really is so predictable.’
    ‘Are we spit roasting pork for lunch?!’ exclaimed Great Aunt Hilda as Bramwell entered the room.
    ‘I have to give her credit,’ said Nanny Piggins begrudgingly. ‘I didn’t expect her to come up with new material.’
    ‘Madam, it is a delight to meet you,’ lied Bramwell, as he leaned forward to kiss Great Aunt Hilda’s hand. Not that he really wanted to kiss it. He used it as an opportunity to eat the slice of Christmas cake she had forgotten she was holding.
    ‘Piggins,’ said Mr Green. ‘What’s this pig doing here?’
    Much as Nanny Piggins did not want her brother in her house either, she did not like being addressed as ‘Piggins’. After all, she was a lady, not a private schoolboy. And while it is extremely common for brothers and sisters to not like each other, the one thing that will always unite them is criticism from an outsider.
    ‘It is my house,’ declared Nanny Piggins. ‘I have every right to invite my brother to a holiday gathering.’
    ‘It is not your house, it is mine,’ spluttered Mr Green. ‘The deed is in my name.’
    ‘A slight technicality,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘I think if you ask anyone on the street whose house this is, it is universally referred to as “Nanny Piggins’ place”.’
    ‘This is a family gathering – for my family,’ declared Mr Green.
    ‘But I’m the nanny,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘That makes me part of your family.