Free The Last Testament: A Memoir by God, David Javerbaum Page A

altar, and remove their firstling sheep, and their spotless black bullocks, and start slaughtering.
22 They love to slaughter.
23 That’s all they want to do for me.
24 On one occasion, I even savored the sweet-scented smoke of their oxen’s burning kidney caul-fat seven times in a single night.
25 Yea; they slaughter for me all night long; in manners dark and strange; manners with which you are unfamiliar;
26 Unfamiliar, or, more likely, perhaps, uncomfortable.
27 For let us be honest, humanity: we have not engaged in a mutually satisfactory mass animal sacrifice in a very long time.
28 This is not by way of assigning blame; it is merely a statement of fact.
29 Now, I know this news is hard to digest; but as I am my witness, my relationship with the other universe is no more than a dalliance.
30 Truly, it is but a silly little macrocosm, and supremely shallow; literally so, for it lacks the dimension of depth.
31 It is not the universe I adore; it is not the universe I took nearly one whole week to create; and it is not the universe wherein hundreds of millions of people have died in my name.
32 Nothing has changed between us.
33 I am still the L ORD thy God, King of the Universe.
34 That other one meaneth nothing to me.

CHAPTER 2
1 A ncient Egyptian slavery was very similar to the slavery of the American South: there were families torn apart; there was little food and woeful shelter; there was abuse and murder and cruelty and inhumanity of every description.
2 The only difference was in the music; for the worksongs of the African slaves were soulful a cappella dirges bespeaking sorrow, yearning, and freedom;
3 Whereas the worksongs sung by the Jewish slaves were catchy tunes accompanied by clarinet and accordion, telling of schlemiels , and schmucks , and all manner of mishegas.
4 Jewish slavery was an atrocity on an epic scale; and it infuriates me to see it still being exploited in certain sordid quarters of Cairo, wherein seedy men stand in front of ill-lit establishments and promise passersby that they may therein experience “bondage in Egypt.”
5 I even know of one such establishment that calls itself “Sexodus”; it is sorely due for an electrical fire.
6 Into this bitter world was Moses born, and thou wilt recall the circumstances of his birth: how Pharaoh had condemned all newborn Jewish boys to death; how his mother saved him by placing him in an ark of bulrushes in the Nile; how Pharaoh’s daughter then found him, and adopted him;
7 Launching the African-baby celebrity adoption trend that continues to the present day.
8 Moses was raised in Pharaoh’s house as an Egyptian; and was educated by over a dozen tutors who instructed him in the many distinctive customs of that remarkable people; principally their unique method of carrying themselves;
9 For they walked in a most curious fashion: bobbing their heads in the direction of their sojourn, while aligning their hands parallel to the ground, one palm downward, the other upward, and thrusting them simultaneously toward opposite points of the compass.
10 (If thou hast never seen it, it is hard to explain.)
11 For many years Moses blended into courtly life, concealing his true heritage, going so far as to briefly change his name to Miles; for he complained that “Moses” could not sound more Jewish, and it was hard to argue with him on that one.
12 His real mother, who had been hired as his servant, often chastised him for his assimilation, even going so far as to call him the “Prince of De Nile,” a mirth which, even then, was 1,500 years old.
13 But all the while the truth of his identity smoldered inside him, building into a rage; which finally erupted one day, after Pharaoh sent him on an errand to purchase more embalming fluid.
14 (As it happened, Pharaoh already had two pyramids full of embalming fluid; but as he was fond of saying, “Thou canst never have too much embalming fluid.”)
15 And as Moses walked the streets of downtown Cheops that