Free My Cousin Wendy by Al Sloane Page B

funnel will sit flat on a table. This one was curved so it would fit fairly snuggly over a woman's pee apparatus.
    Wendy looked at it and backed away. Joe smiled. He opened another door and pulled out a short stool and a large towel. He put the stool down and looked at Wendy.
    "Welcome to my Ladies Room."
    Wendy made me and Joe get on the other side of the balloon. Beth and Kathi held up the towel as Wendy took off her shorts and panties. She sat on the edge of the stool and June handed her the business end of the "potty." Embarrassed as she was, I think it was worse when all of us could hear the trickle of piss hitting the container. It grew in volume as she got into it. She must have peed a minute or more. When she was finally done, Kathi said "Damn."
    June pulled a couple of Kleenex out of her purse and gave them to Wendy to wipe herself off. I said "Damn, what else have you got in that bag?"
    "Wouldn't you like to know."
    Wendy got dressed while June held the funnel between two fingers, an arm's length away, over the edge of the basket.
    The girls finally dropped the towel. Joe took the funnel and asked If anybody else needed to go. All three of them backed away from him and shook their heads.
    Joe put the funnel in it's spot and closed the door. The stool and towel went next. There was no evidence of the incident when he was done. I wondered if the helper on the ground got to take care of the pee bucket.
    My father loved to tell us a story of his honeymoon. My grandfather had a brother named Bill who lived in Maryland. I realized when I was about 18 or so that my parents' anniversary was four months prior to my birthday. I'm sure they didn't plan on getting married, much less a honeymoon.
    Anyway, they went down to Maryland and met Bill and his wife. I don't know if he'd ever seen his uncle before. I never met the man and I have an idea he and my grandfather didn't get along. He had another brother he just tolerated. I never met Bill.
    So, they get to Bill's place and my father is sick. I guess it was the flu. He spent the first few days of his honeymoon in bed, alone, making frequent trips to the bathroom. Mom may have slept in the bed but I doubt they did anything else. After about three days he felt good enough to get out of bed and do something.
    Bill had a crab boat. He did some serious crabbing. I'm not sure if that's how he made his living but I got the impression he made some decent money selling what he caught. He would lay out traps, big cages actually. They sat on the bottom, had ropes attached to them and buoys at the other end of the rope. My uncle went out every day and just lifted them up. The sides would seal with the bottom and whatever was inside got a free ride to the surface.
    The three of them went out together. I guess Bill pulled up the traps and emptied the crabs into a holding tank of some kind, then re-set the traps. Anyway, they rowed back to shore and Bill took off. Mom and Dad were in the boat and rowed out into the water. They were somewhere within sight of the shore when my father discovered that his diarrhea had not totally disappeared. I guess it was a case of so near yet so far. There was no time to row into the shore and make it up to the bathroom, outhouse, whatever they had.
    Dad dropped trou and sat over the edge of the boat. One of the crabs got out and started crawling along the bottom of the boat, its claws out front, snapping, heading directly at Mom. She screamed. A short time later, here come Bill and his wife, running as fast as they can down to the shore to see what the emergency is. Dad was in the middle of emptying his bowels.
    The crab was eventually put back where he belonged and Dad got his pants on. That's the most exciting thing that ever happened to them that I ever heard about.
    I told the story and it seemed to make things easier for Wendy. The girls laughed when I told it. I shouldn't have been surprised when Wendy said she heard her uncle tell it when she was a