Free Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook by F.L. Fowler Page A

Well? You tell me!” His tone is simultaneously challenging and vulnerable.
    I take up his challenge.
    “Show me how you’d use that,” I say. His eyes widen at my audacious choice. Slowly he picks up the rolling pin at the tip of my outstretched wing.
    He drives the heavy pillar into my most sensitive flesh, gently but insistently. The effect is shattering. Jeez, he really is in great shape. My flesh lights up with the pain and secret exhilaration.
    My subconscious gives up. She needs a drink.
    With the last blow I can contain myself no longer. A plume of raw chicken juice escapes me, hitting the cookbook and spattering Julia in the face. Oops!
    My subconscious smirks and smugly dips her beak into her dirty martini.
    crispy chicken tenders with cashews and coconut curry
    SERVES 4 TO 6
    1¼ pounds chicken tenders, patted dry with paper towels
    ½ teaspoon coarse kosher salt
    ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
    ½ cup coconut milk
    1 tablespoon red curry paste
    ½ teaspoon Asian fish sauce or soy sauce
    ¾ cup roasted, salted cashews
    ¾ cup unsweetened coconut flakes
    ¾ cup cornflakes
    Lime wedges, for serving
    Cilantro sprigs, for serving
    1   Preheat the oven to 450° F. Lightly grease a large baking sheet.
    2   Using the side of a rolling pin, gently pound the chicken tenders into submission; they should be ¼ inch thick. Season with the salt and pepper.
    3   In a wide, shallow bowl, whisk together the coconut milk, curry paste, and fish or soy sauce.
    4   In a food processor, pulse together the cashews and coconut flakes until finely chopped. Add the cornflakes and pulse until just blended. Transfer to another wide, shallow bowl.
    5   Dip a chicken tender in the coconut mixture, letting the excess drip back into the bowl. Then dip the chicken in the cashew mixture, turning to coat evenly. Transfer the chicken to the prepared baking sheet. Repeat with the remaining chicken.
    6   Transfer the chicken to the oven and bake, turning once halfway through, until golden all over, about 10 minutes total. Serve with lime wedges and cilantro.
    LEARNING THE ROPES
    Tenders are indeed the most tender part of the bird, but you can use boneless skinless breasts cut into ½-inch-wide strips. The pounding is optional, depending upon how much your chicken wants it.

Inner Green Goddess Chicken Salad
    I marvel at how much I have I’ve endured—and yes, relished—at those godlike hands. The obscure spices, the laborious preparations, the oohing and aahing over flavors built and textures manipulated, even the recipes with their fussy food-porn photos. It’s all so twisted, but it’s so him. Now it feels so me, too.
    My inner goddess dresses herself in a rich, verdant velvet, and spreads herself languorously on a California King–size bed of arugula.
    And yet, he’s so fucked up. He claims to respect me, says I’m the most beautiful Ingredient he’s ever known, but he acts as if the beauty of the food were not enough. Why does he always have to take it to some other level? Where will it end?
    My subconscious clucks at me, arms crossed over her breast. Why are you grilling yourself like this? You’ve made your bed. I pull a face at her. Yes, I have, willingly. I want him to lay me down on that leafy bed every night of every week.
    That’s the bottom line. I want to belong to his appetite, to answer his cravings. My inner goddess sighs with relief. It occurs to me that she has a rather small brain, but thinks instead with the moister parts of her anatomy.
    “He’s my happy ending,” I whisper. I will be his.
    My inner goddess, lounging deliciously on her arugula bed, smiles placidly and returns to her romance novel.
    chicken salad with green goddess dressing
    SERVES 4
    ½ cup sour cream
    ¼ cup tightly packed watercress leaves
    3 tablespoons mayonnaise
    2 garlic cloves, roughly chopped
    1 anchovy fillet (optional)
    1 tablespoon chopped fresh chives
    1 tablespoon chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
    1 tablespoon