Free Escaping the Darkness by Sarah Preston Page A

the boys without any interruptions. I actually used the week as an excuse to have extra time to think things through; so that I could try and work out what areas I wanted to talk about with Bess next time.
I was lucky the weather was particularly mild for late October, and I took the boys on lots of walks to the park and out in the country lanes that surrounded our house.We had our usual trip to the dentist, which took up a full morning – not unusual with five boys to be seen – and because we were so busy I had no time to think about other things. I was fortunate really, because the boys kept me fully active and didn’t allow me any ‘daydreaming’ time.
We had a great week together – it was one of the best. We played lots of games and even managed a picnic too, particularly as the weather was so accommodating. It wasn’t long before it was the end of the week and we started preparing for the return to school on Monday: sorting out uniforms, making sure reading was done and gathering washed PE kit from the laundry basket.
Sam and I enjoyed our weekend. We took the boys into town to the library to change their books, and on our way home had lunch and then played cricket and rounders on the field close by. On Sunday the weather deteriorated and it rained all day.
As I sat in the bath that night, I lingered longer than I normally did, thinking for the first time about tomorrow, when Bess would return. I wanted so badly to say, ‘I’m okay I don’t need your help, thanks but I’m fine now,’ when she called in the morning, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. I knew I wouldn’t say it, because I knew deep down I was still a complete wreck.
Another Monday morning came around. I felt Mondays were like ‘bad pennies’ – they always turned up. With Mondays came Bess: a good penny, a regular occurrence, desperate to help me, even though there were times whenI had found it difficult even to talk to her. I had about ten minutes to spare before she would knock on the door and be there, standing in front of me, too cheerful to empathise with how I now felt inside: lost .
I couldn’t really blame Bess for how she was when she visited me, but sometimes her smiles were a little too much to bear. It felt as if she always had a purpose, while I was struggling so hard to keep in touch with my own sense of purpose. I felt more trapped than ever now my dreams had started recurring. They had become more prolific over the last two nights, and everywhere I looked within my dreams the smiles had always been absent. It was as if they had been captured and imprisoned as far away from me as they could get…
Out of touch, out of reach.
They had been taken away because they just did not fit the equation. It was like trying to fit square pegs into round holes. Smiles were simply the wrong shape for my world, a world made up of night time dreams. But smiles had always been good before. Smiles were the tonic for making you feel good inside. I knew this; I had used smiles on the boys after tears had dried, and when they’d fallen and scuffed their knees playing football…
But the way I felt at the moment… I would have needed at least a ton of smiles stolen back and brought to me on a lorry. Today was a day I knew smiling would be hard to achieve. As I drifted in and out of my ‘smile’ thoughts, I realised that the door was being knocked on for the second time. I lifted myself out of my daydreamand walked quickly across the lounge and into the hall to open the front door. Bess looked a little perplexed.
‘Hi Sarah, I was beginning to think I had been stood up,’ she told me.
‘Sorry, I was just busy and didn’t hear the door.’
‘Oh that’s okay, don’t worry, at least I’ve found you now.’
As she sat down in the lounge, I noticed she hadn’t occupied her usual spot but she was sitting on the armchair at the far end of the room. Today felt different. She didn’t take out a notebook or her customary bundles of papers. She