Free Twitterature by Alexander Aciman

about textiles. If I am so beautiful, my house should be as well!
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    Time goes on. I have become so decadent. Anyone ever tried opium? Itʼs quite dreamy, especially when there are no consequences.
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    Basil refuses to speak to me. Even Lord Henry thinks I have become too corrupt. But how could I be corrupt with a face like this?
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    Decades and decades of terrible beauty! I live an everlasting and wonderful life, replete with lovers and objects of aesthetic quality.
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    Basil has seen the portrait. Being a true friend, I stabbed him in the front, and then blackmailed a queer chemist into burning the body.
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    Sibylʼs brother tried to kill me. Tricked him. He was Ê»accidentallyʼ shot. Dorian: a million; social mores: zero. Phil Spector: forget it.
    It is too much! I must destroy the portrait. Now I prepare to age like a normal man . . .
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    Oops. Grew old all at once! Oh, the aestheteʼs life was a grand one, but one cannot escape morality and mortality in the end. Beauty is danger!
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    Of course, whosoever understands my tale will refrain from excess and flaunting social norms in their own life. Donʼt you think?

The Sorrows of Young Werther
    by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
    @SourKraut
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    Charming new town. I will finally be able to relax and be free of my troubles.
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    Met a new girl today! Need to avoid being trapped in the friend zone this time.
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    Lotte is my soulmate. Spent all day gazing at her. We even exchanged words. Nothing could persuade me that we are not meant to be together.
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    She is engaged to some dweeb named Albert. What kind of a name is Al?
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    This engagement has made me so sad. I thought our love would be pure! I sulk, I sulk. Woe is me.
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    Truly, I am so sad. I am overcome with despair. I feel nothing but sorrow.
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    Have I noted how upset I am? I am very upset. #pain #angst #suffering #sexdep
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    Must skip town for a bit and visit a friend. Create a plan to break off her engagement. Sheʼll still be here when I get back.
    Horrible! Horrible! Made a fool of myself before the whole aristocracy. Nothing in my life goes well! If only it could end.
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    Ach! I leave town for TWO DAYS and Lotte gets MARRIED? Does this mean my chances just got worse?
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    Much worse. No bookie would touch it. Woe is me. Consumed by a great sadness that I wonder if Iʼve made clear enough yet.
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    D Lotte: Can I still visit you every day? If not I donʼt know WHAT I MIGHT DO. Not to scare you or anything.
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    My tears drown the whole Earth. This iPhone is drenched. How can a man in love restrain himself ? Passion demands a dry outlet!
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    Though it pains me, I have become good friends with Lotte and Albert. Anything to stay close to her . . . so very close to her . . .
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    So Iʼm a bit of a whack job. Good thing no oneʼs heard of restraining orders - or stalking - in all of Prussia. Otherwise out of luck.
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    D Albert: Hey bro. Iʼm going on a journey. Mind sending along some pistols? Thanks.
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    One of us three must die. I have the pistols. A bullet for Albert, my rival? Or Lotte, my love? Or . . . me?
    I am so very sad, far too sad to kill another human being. It must be me.
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    Lotte will feel bad after I shoot myself in the head and lie under a tree for twelve hours. She will run into my arms. Here goes!!
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    @WholeLotteLove
    Wertherʼs funeral today. Anyone going? I canʼt make it so somebody give my condolences and regards. Whatever. Thx.

The Sound and the Fury
    by William Faulkner
    @MauʼBenjamin
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    Golf. I love golf - that and my good sister. She smells like trees. Sure is cold out here! Hard to tweet, blind, with hands in my pockets.
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    There I go aʼ bellowinʼ again. Everyone tells me to hush but I think I am the only one who sees the terrible tragedy befalling my family.
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    Iʼm so disinclined to change. Apt metaphor for a Southern clan trying to resist the inevitable