Free The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 2: (Jeeves & Wooster): No. 2 by P.G. Wodehouse Page A

be thinking of food. Material, my elbow! As a matter of fact, I’m particularly spiritual.’
    ‘Quite.’
    ‘I don’t see any harm in wondering what Anatole was going to give us for dinner. Do you?’
    ‘Of course not. A mere ordinary tribute of respect to a great artist.’
    ‘Exactly.’
    ‘All the same –’
    ‘Well?’
    ‘I was only going to say that it seems a pity that the frail craft of love should come a stinker like this when a few manly words of contrition –’
    He stared at me.
    ‘You aren’t suggesting that I should climb down?’
    ‘It would be the fine, big thing, old egg.’
    ‘I wouldn’t dream of climbing down.’
    ‘But, Tuppy –’
    ‘No. I wouldn’t do it.’
    ‘But you love her, don’t you?’
    This touched the spot. He quivered noticeably, and his mouth twisted. Quite the tortured soul.
    ‘I’m not saying I don’t love the little blighter,’ he said, obviously moved. ‘I love her passionately. But that doesn’t alter the fact that I consider that what she needs most in this world is a swift kick in the pants.’
    A Wooster could scarcely pass this. ‘Tuppy, old man!’
    ‘It’s no good saying “Tuppy, old man”.’
    ‘Well, I do say “Tuppy, old man”. Your tone shocks me. One raises the eyebrows. Where is the fine, old, chivalrous spirit of the Glossops?’
    ‘That’s all right about the fine, old, chivalrous spirit of the Glossops. Where is the sweet, gentle, womanly spirit of the Angelas? Telling a fellow he was getting a double chin!’
    ‘Did she do that?’
    ‘She did.’
    ‘Oh, well, girls will be girls. Forget it, Tuppy. Go to her and make it up.’
    He shook his head.
    ‘No. It is too late. Remarks have been passed about my tummy which it is impossible to overlook.’
    ‘But, Tummy – Tuppy, I mean – be fair. You once told her her new hat made her look like a Pekingese.’
    ‘It did make her look like a Pekingese. That was not vulgar abuse. It was sound, constructive criticism, with no motive behind it but the kindly desire to keep her from making an exhibition of herself in public. Wantonly to accuse a man of puffing when he goes up a flight of stairs is something very different.’
    I began to see that the situation would require all my address and ingenuity. If the wedding bells were ever to ring out in the little church of Market Snodsbury, Bertram had plainly got to put in some shrewdish work. I had gathered, during my conversation with Aunt Dahlia, that there had been a certain amount of frank speech between the two contracting parties, but I had not realized till now that matters had gone so far.
    The pathos of the thing gave me the pip. Tuppy had admitted in so many words that love still animated the Glossop bosom, and I was convinced that, even after all that had occurred, Angela had not ceased to love him. At the moment, no doubt, she might be wishing that she could hit him with a bottle, but deep down in her I was prepared to bet that there still lingered all the old affection and tenderness. Only injured pride was keeping these two apart, and I felt that if Tuppy would make the first move, all would be well.
    I had another whack at it.
    ‘She’s broken-hearted about this rift, Tuppy.’
    ‘How do you know? Have you seen her?’
    ‘No, but I’ll bet she is.’
    ‘She doesn’t look it.’
    ‘Wearing the mask, no doubt. Jeeves does that when I assert my authority.’
    ‘She wrinkles her nose at me as if I were a drain that had got out of order.’
    ‘Merely the mask. I feel convinced she loves you still, and that a kindly word from you is all that is required.’
    I could see that this had moved him. He plainly wavered. He did a sort of twiddly on the turf with his foot. And, when he spoke, one spotted the tremolo in the voice:
    ‘You really think that?’
    ‘Absolutely.’
    ‘H’m.’
    ‘If you were to go to her –’
    He shook his head.
    ‘I can’t do that. It would be fatal. Bing, instantly, would go my prestige. I