Free Eyeheart Everything by Kevin Sampsell, Mykle Hansen, Ed Stastny, Kevin Kirkbride Page A

clean, with only a pleasantly lingering odor to remind us of the amusing episode. We later learned that they had undergone an experimental, but totally successful, chemical dry-cleaning method developed by Absorbine and his staff, and employing again his signature cream. Indeed, we marveled, if there are no panaceas, this is yet the closest thing.
    We concluded our visit after a tour of the
immaculately kept yards, the freshly-scented stables, and the gymnasium and bicycle track that receive much of Junior’s leisure attention, and which he egalitariastically shares with his remarkably muscular and flexible staff of older scientists. It is all as fabulous as you have heard, and befitting this man, who has given so much to his community and the world with his brilliant innovations. We left convinced of the exciting future which Science holds for us all, and of the bounteous wealth and glistening goodness of human Genius. Truly, there is no better time than now to be alive.

Enough About Me

    But enough about me. Tell me about you. The real you. Be honest. So, you’re an investment analyst? Sounds interesting. Are you rich? Ha ha, just kidding, no, seriously, are you rich? How rich are you? What kind of car do you drive? Is it imported? How fast does it go? Is there a cup holder? Is it one of the retractable kind of ones? really? wow. So what does an investment analyst do? uh huh? uh huh? mmm. interesting. So, what kind of movies to you like? Do you like the ones with lots of special effects? The ones with Gwyneth Paltrow in them? The ones where stuff explodes? Did you see Titanic? really? Me too! wow. Do you like the ones where they’re all from some foreign country and there’s little words at the bottom of the screen and you can’t figure out what’s going on and they’re really really long? oh. really? oh. So, do you like sports? What kind of sports? Do you like football or baseball? Do you like hockey? Do you like Wayne Gretsky? Not personally, I mean. Do you know Wayne Gretsky? Personally? Wow. No, me neither. Do you like wrestling? Do you like the World’s Strongest Man competitions on ESPN2? Uh huh? Where they have to pull trucks uphill with their teeth and then catch kegs of beer that are dropped off a diving platform, and then lift farm animals over their heads? Really? Wow. How about water ballet? hmm. So. Tell me about your family. Are you an only child? Brothers or sisters? Sisters? How many sisters? Really? Wow. That’s a lot of sisters. Do they all look like you? How old is the oldest one? What’s the difference between the oldest one’s age and your age, in years, approximately? Oh, I don’t know, just curious.
    So, do you read books? Hmm. Do you read magazines? Which ones? Do you read Time? Do you read People? Do you read TV Guide? Do you watch a lot of TV? Really? Wow. What shows do you watch? Do you watch Ellen? Really? No, I’ve never seen it myself actually. Yeah. No. Yeah. But I heard it’s really really good. Do you worry about the future? Really? Do you worry about the millennium? What do you think’s going to happen? Floods? Famine? Computer crisis? really? Do you think it’s going to last? wow. really? How does this affect your job as an investment analyst? Hmm. What about global warming? What do you think about population increase? Really? Wow. Yeah, me too, someday. You know, when I find the right person. Did you like the meal? How’s the wine? Did you fart? Really? hmm. no, it wasn’t me. Do you want desert? A cordial? A drink someplace? My place? Really? Wow. You know, you’re really interesting. No, really.

The New 1999 Jeep Interloper!

    Pelted by snow, by sleet, by rain. Pelted by stones, by fish, by golf balls the size of golf balls. They slam into the roof of the car. Pelted by bricks, little chunks of them fly off, they are kiln-fired bricks with the name of the kiln that fired them stamped on the side. They bang the car like a big steel drum, but with the AEDS