Free Defensive by J.D. Rivera Page B

eyes were pleading and he looked like the old Shane. The Shane I’d known before I lost the baby. “Okay. Where do you want to go?” I asked.
    “Whatever restaurant you want. Just somewhere I can talk to you.”
    “I’m only agreeing because I’m really curious. I’m not in the mood to put up with any shit today so I’ll leave at any time.” He nodded. “I’m in the mood for Mexican.”
    He looked relieved and smiled. “Thank you. Qdoba? I know you used to like that place.”
    “Sounds good to me. They have great queso.” I told him as I stepped toward my door and he moved to open it for me. After I got inside, he closed the door, then strode to his car. I felt so confused. I had no idea why he would want to talk to me. Maybe he has an STD and needs to tell me. I shook my head. That was not what I needed and I decided it would be best if I didn’t speculate.
    After we had ordered and sat down in a booth by the window with our food, I looked at Shane. He looked really nervous again. “I heard about your mom. How is she?” I asked.
    He bobbed his head to the side. “She’s okay. I don’t think she’ll ever be back to one hundred percent but we’re lucky we didn’t lose her. Dad said your mom has been dropping by and helping.”
    “They’ve known each other a long time. I’ve been thinking about going and seeing her.”
    He smiled slightly. “She’d love that.”
    I dipped a chip into the queso and really looked at him as I took a bite. He looked different and was acting like the guy I’d fallen in love with a long time ago. “So, what did you want to talk to me about? If it’s about Jackson, that’s none of your business.”
    He swallowed his food and took a drink. He then took a deep breath. “This is hard for me to do but I think you have a right to know.”
    “You have an STD,” I blurted out.
    His eyes got big. “No. No, Vanessa. God, why that, of all the things to think?”
    I inhaled, then exhaled. “You cheated on me the entire time we were married. Probably while we dated, too.”
    His face was pale. “I deserve that. I’ve been an asshole. Just to be clear, I never cheated on you while we were dating and I always used protection.”
    “I’m so glad you waited until we were married to cheat,” I said icily.
    “That’s what I want to talk to you about.”
    “About you cheating? I don’t really care. It’s not like you can deny it. I saw you.”
    “I’m not trying to deny it. I just want to explain some things.”
    I took a bite of my quesadilla and chewed slowly. “Fine. Explain.”
    He ran a hand through his hair. “Okay. I guess I just need to start from the beginning. After the night you lost the baby, I was really depressed.”
    “Let’s not talk about that,” I whispered as I looked away.
    “I have to talk about it to explain.” He blew out a deep breath. “Okay. So I was depressed and you were depressed and I just couldn’t figure out a way to help you. I couldn’t even help myself. A few weeks later, I went out with some people I had met in class. I just wanted to blow off some steam. Feel something other than sadness. So I went… and that was the first night I took a hit of cocaine.”
    I stopped mid-chew. Had he really told me that he had used cocaine? “I’m sorry. What? Cocaine?”
    “Yeah. I was so ashamed but I couldn’t tell you. The bad thing was that I loved it. I loved that it let me forget about everything going on. About how we had lost a child.”
    “Wow. We lost a child and you turned to cocaine. How the hell did I not know? How long did you use?”
    He looked out the window for a beat and then back at me. “Until about a month ago. I just got out of rehab. After officially losing you in the divorce and almost losing my mom, I realized I had to get control of myself again. I couldn’t keep living like that.”
    “I can’t believe this. I mean, I must’ve been the dumbest wife ever.”
    He grabbed my hand and, for some reason, I