Free 34 Seconds by Stella Samuel Page B

creating closure somehow, watching her. She looked like she could be a friend, someone I could talk to, share with. I felt a peace wash over me. I was happy for Will. And I was okay being here. Finally, okay.
    It was a beautiful and short beach wedding. I held Chris’ hand tight when they said their vows. He was watching Emily and Bella playing in the sand at his feet and didn’t notice the tear run down my cheek when I heard Bo, the man standing in front of Will and Rebecca, say the words, ‘let no man put asunder.’ I’m not sure if I was crying because I cried at my own wedding, I cried at commercials portraying weddings, or because I knew the groom was a man I used to love. I did love. I loved dearly, but in so many different ways than the man whose hand I held while he gently made our children quietly giggle under the chairs.
    So many years ago, Yorktown Beach saw a lot of Will and me. We explored the water, the rocks, the sand, and each other many times on this beach. We broke up on this beach, we made up on this beach. He poured his heart out to me, describing the emptiness he felt when he saw a beautiful red hanging moon and the fullness he felt when he thought of me and of our love. I remembered sitting on the beach pushing sand between my toes resting my chin on my knees listening to him, loving him more with each word. In his poetic way, he often tried to tell me he could never be who I needed and wanted him to be. He knew I wanted to be married with children. He knew I wanted a home, security, and stability. He knew he couldn’t provide any of those things playing music for a living, and he knew he never wanted to be married. Now there he was marrying a woman who filled the emptiness he must have felt.
    My thoughts were interrupted by the cheering. I missed the first kiss gazing into the past, and when the present hit me, it hit me with a pile of sand on my feet. Emily was building a sand castle, and I was in the way. I wiped a tear from my cheek, smiled down at her, and regained my composure. Chris looked at me, and knowing me as well as he did, put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him, and kissed the top of my head. I was sure he did so to offer comfort for me, but also to protect me from my own pain. Maybe it was my husband’s way of staking his claim to me. Chris knew I loved him. Will and I had had a strong friendship over the years since breaking up.
    It was another thirty minutes before we saw the bride and groom. We spent the time dancing barefoot in the sand with the girls, taking pictures of Emily and her Daddy Prince dancing feet on feet and collecting pebbles and small shells from the beach. Bella was such a little doll walking while holding my hand across the slippery sand, falling down, and trying again. At thirteen months old, she wasn’t the best walker, but she had such a great spirit and would try and try again until she was exhausted. Then she would usually wail until we could soothe her with her ‘soft blankie,’ as Emily calls Bella’s fluffy pink baby blanket. By the time Will and Rebecca came around to say hello, we were all ready to get the kids in the car and head back to my dad’s house. I hugged Will, mumbled something about being very happy for them, shook Rebecca’s hand, forced an obligatory hug, and told her what every bride wants to hear about her beautiful gown and ceremony.
    “I love you, smallcakes, my Nikki Jay,” Will whispered into my ear. “You deserve the best, and the best wasn’t me. But I love you so much, and I will always need you. Please remember that. I will always need you.” I managed to wink at him, fighting back a tear or two, and gave our excuse for leaving so early, and then walked away without feeling a thing. Nothing. Numbness was a new emotion for me. Or maybe I was feeling things I didn’t want to feel. Sadness is an overwhelming emotion. I’ve heard people say they see their life flash before their eyes in times of fear