Free How Best to Avoid Dying by Owen Egerton Page B

frustration, Zane would retreat to David/Stella. His unmoving strength. Her sweet, soft glances. His stoic resolve. Her sighs and eyes. They were Zane’s muse, his magic, his door into more. 7
    â€œWhat did David do with his time before the doorstop?” he asked one drizzly winter afternoon.
    â€œWe own a gag gift store. You know, fake poop and things.” Stella reached into her purse and pulled out an oversized nickel and handed it to Zane. It looked exactly like a nickel, except it was four inches wide.
    â€œThat’s funny,” Zane said, and he and Stella laughed.
    â€œDavid designed that.”
    Zane patted David’s chest. “Very funny.”
    Laughter became another key element of the Licorice recordings. Zane used laughter as an instrument, hiding giggles in the mix or featuring a snicker as a solo. Zane recorded the laughter of dozens of people of all ages, all ranks, all different levels of joy. The tenth track on the album was seventeen minutes of laughter overlapping and combining. 8
    Zane wanted to include Stella/David in the recording process, so he often used their gag gifts to inspire the laughter he recorded. Once while walking to the studio for an evening session, Zane was asked by some tough looking street kids for a little change. Zane pulled out the oversized nickel and told them, “All I have is big change.” The kids beat him severely. Zane hurried on to the studio and recorded himself laughing with a fat lip. The flapping of the lip made for a wild bass sound on track six. Lane Rope was jealous.
    But the other Sea Elephants were starting to follow Zane’s lead. Shelly suggested recording at least one song in complete darkness and it was Polk’s idea to fill a microphone with catnip and let a stray kitten provide the percussions for track four.
    Zane had announced to Polygram that the new album would be complete by spring and it would be extraordinary. Already the rumors were churning. Greedy record executives rubbed their sweaty little hands and set the release date for the week of Easter.
    Zane Bellows was changing more than only musically. He donated his leather pants to Goodwill. He took less time in the mornings to sculpt his hair. He smiled more. 9
    â€œDo you think David is happy?” Zane asked on winter’s afternoon.
    â€œI don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier,” Stella said.
    â€œAre you happy?”
    â€œYes,” she said.
    She wasn’t. Stella was a tortured soul. She had grown feverishly in love with Zane. And accompanying that love was a yappy runt of a dog named Shame—shame for her unfaithful thoughts in the very presence of her betrothed. Quickly following and sniffing the ass of Shame was an even nastier mutt: Resentment. Unlike Zane, she could not conceive of a balance between the three of them. She began to hate David for standing (or lying) between her and Zane. Soon Stella was spending sleepless nights being chased around her mind by a savage pack of mangy mongrels. 10
    Those same sleepless nights, Zane sat in the studio alone, remixing, changing, splicing, adding harmonies and atmospheric twists, often venturing into bizarre regions of sound and rhythm where even the other Sea Elephants couldn’t follow. When Lane Rope discovered that Zane had backtracked his bass line on track nine and used it to accompany the sounds of dolphins making love, the bassist confronted Zane.
    â€œCan’t we just record some normal songs?”
    â€œWe’re trying to transform the world here,” Zane said from his seat at the mixing board.
    â€œI’m a bassist. I have no interest in transforming anything.” Lane Rope said. He collected his gear and left. Zane didn’t bat an eye. He just returned to the mixing.
    By Valentine’s Day the album had only to be mixed and mastered. Zane was nearing exhaustion, but he managed to bring David/Stella a dozen red roses and a book on the Holy