Free The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design by Wendy Northcutt Page B

g-forces are notoriously skyward, Tamar apparently unlatched her seat belt and stood up. The train dropped, but Tamar didn’t. She caught good air until she landed on the ground, sixty-nine feet below.
     
    Reference: New York Daily News, Coaster Buzz

D ARWIN A WARD : R IGHT O VER THE D AM
    Confirmed by Darwin
     
    24 J ULY 2004, W ISCONSIN
     
     
    Barbara, twenty-six, must have listened too many times to the old song “High Hopes” and its verse about a perky little fish: “And she swam, and she swam right over the dam.” But Barbara needed more than willpower to fulfill her high hopes when she decided to take the shortest route between the Upper Dells and the Lower Dells.
    She piloted a personal watercraft at high speed past numerous signs warning craft to slow down because of the imminent danger. She wove through the support posts of two separate bridges, one for trains, and one for cars. She ignored the screaming pleas of her twenty-four-year-old passenger, who finally jumped off at the last minute. And she did it—she soared over that dam like a flying fish.
    Then she crash-landed on the concrete spillway, dying instantly.
    Nearby residents told police that Barbara had been speeding like a maniac at high speeds in no-wake zones near the shore, despite the many posted warnings. Blood tests showed she had also been drinking like a fish. When asked to comment on her demise, the police chief said, “It kind of speaks for itself.”
     
    Reference: Wisconsin Dells Events

D ARWIN A WARD : L OVE S TRUCK
    Confirmed by Darwin
     
    3 M ARCH 2002, E NGLAND
     
     
    “Does it really matter what these affectionate people do, so long as they don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses?”
    —Mrs. Patrick Campbell
     
     
    As Kim and Paul left the Sheffield pub, they noticed that a streetlight was burned out, creating a pool of darkness on the road. Unable to rein in their passion, they began to consummate their relationship on the asphalt outside the pub. Witnesses said the couple was lying right on the white line, kissing and cuddling.
    The passionate pair were warned of the danger of their coital position not once, not twice, but three times—by a car driver, a bus driver, and a pedestrian. An off-duty paramedic honked and shouted, “You want to get up, otherwise you’ll be run over.” The man simply said “Cheers, mate,” and the paramedic heard a female laughing. A bus driver swerved to avoid them, and drove past with wheels on the curb. A concerned pedestrian shouted to warn them that another bus was headed their way.
    Despite these disruptions, Kim and Paul continued, oblivious to the approach of a small, single-decker Nipper bus. The bus driver mistook the undulating shape for a bag of rubbish in the poorly lit street, and was unable to stop in time. There was a dull thud…
    Kim and Paul were struck and killed at midnight. Paramedics found Kim lying on her back with her jumper pulled up, and Paul between her legs with his trousers pulled down.
    The only downside to this timely removal of lunacy from the gene pool is the fate of the bus driver. Despite the couple’s irregular actions, and a police investigator’s statement that “to expect a driver to anticipate a pedestrian lying in the road is out of the ordinary,” a judge fined him for careless driving, and his license was revoked for six months. Fortunately, his employers consider him an excellent employee, and plan to give him other duties. Relatives of the victims said they were glad the driver had kept his job.
    This tale surely answers the Beatles’ question, “Why don’t we do it in the road?”
     
    Reference: The Sun Online, Daily Sport (UK), www.sundaytimes.co.za, Sheffield Star , www.yorkshiretv.com, Yorkshire Post

D ARWIN A WARD : H URRICANE N EWS J UNKIE
    Unconfirmed by Darwin
     
    3 D ECEMBER 1999, D ENMARK
     
     
    A powerful winter storm system plowed through Europe. Hurricane-force winds gusted to one hundred ten miles per