Free The Visible Filth by Nathan Ballingrud Page A

allowed himself the small fantasy that after it was resolved – however that might be – he would tell her about why he did it, and although they would not be able to repair the hurt he was causing her now, she would at least come to understand his reasons, and to hold him in a higher regard because of them. She would view this as a noble sacrifice.
    He told himself, too, that he was just beating her to the punch. That she was going to dump him soon anyway, for Steve the English Professor or for somebody else more accomplished than Will was, and for once he’d like to be on the delivery side of that particular bullet.
    But all of that was bullshit, and even he knew it. Though what was happening to them might have catalyzed the action, the real reason was Alicia. He wanted her. He believed, at heart, that she wanted him too. And after last night, he didn’t think Jeffrey would be an obstacle anymore.
    He waited for the tears and the anger. She sat across from him, her gaze unfixed, almost contemplative. She took another sip from her mug, and he suffered a bad moment in which he thought he hadn’t actually said anything at all, that he was still gathering the courage to do it. He felt slippage between himself and the world, like a soundtrack desynchronized from its film.
    “Okay,” she said.
    He nodded dumbly. That wasn’t enough. That didn’t tell him anything. It didn’t tell him what he needed to do next. He gave her a moment to elaborate, but she chose not to take it. So finally he said, “That’s it?”
    “Yup. That’s it.”
    “Fuck.” He leaned back, dismayed and hurt. “Well, fine then. ‘Okay.’ What a nice capstone.”
    She looked confused. “Why are you acting offended? You’re the one who’s breaking up with me.”
    “Yeah, but do you even care?”
    “Not right now I don’t. That’ll come later. But you don’t get to see that.”
    “I just can’t believe how calmly you’re taking this.” He heard his own voice tremble, start to rise.
    “It’s been coming for a while. I know you want Alicia. It’s too bad she doesn’t want you.”
    “That’s not it.” He immediately regretted the lie, knowing it would be revealed as such within a matter of days.
    “Then what is it? Are you threatened by Steve? Still think he wants to fuck me?”
    “No. Come on. Will you stop with that shit?”
    “Your words.”
    “I was being stupid.”
    “You’re still being stupid, Will.”
    “Well, fuck you.” He stared into his coffee, unable to meet her gaze. He felt the heat in his face, knew he was flushed. He tried to settle his breathing. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry. Will you just let me talk?”
    She sat unmoved, watching him with an unearthly calm. “I didn’t know I was stopping you. Please. Go ahead.”
    “It’s not Alicia, okay? I wish you would stop with that, because it’s bullshit, and it’s always been bullshit. It’s… it’s this stuff with the pictures. The phone. It’s dangerous. I don’t want you around it.”
    Finally, he got a reaction. Her face pinched in anger. “Really? You’re an action hero now?”
    “What? No! Come on, Carrie.”
    “Can you hear yourself? I’m already ‘around it.’ It’s happening to me . You’re just a goddamn spectator!”
    “That’s not fair.”
    “You’re scared. You’re a scared little boy. I’m scared too, Will. But I would never have abandoned you to it.”
    He wanted to cry. This was going as wrongly as it could go. “No, that’s not what I mean. Carrie…”
    “No, fuck you. I wasn’t angry until just now. I was disappointed. I was hurt. But I almost respected you for a minute there, Will. I almost thought you were doing the right thing. But now I’m pissed. So if that’s what you wanted, congratulations. You got it.”
    “It’s not what I wanted.”
    “You don’t have any idea what you want. You know what I think you want? Nothing. I think there’s nothing there to satisfy. I think you’re a mock