Free Doctor On Toast by Richard Gordon Page A

earth’s that rattling noise?’
    ‘Just – just the glass against my teeth. Bit nervy these days, you know.’
    ‘I say, you are in a state.’ Basil took the bottle and helped himself to another drink. ‘Furthermore, Ophelia hasn’t the first idea in her sweet little head that I share with her this fatal and perfidious bark. Remarkable you may think?’
    ‘Yes, very.’
    ‘But the dear girl has such a gentle nature she would have stayed at home rather than let me sweat it out in the beastly bowels. Remind me to tell you some time, by the way, of an establishment down below known as the Glory Hole.’
    I said nothing. I just stood feeling furious with the chap, popping up unexpectedly all over the place, like his blasted Demon King.
    ‘In fact, Ophelia and I are both working our passage. She’s doing a modelling job for the shipping adverts.’ Basil arranged the cushions more comfortably under his head. ‘Meanwhile, this steward lark isn’t too galling, apart from the hours they make you get up in the morning. One is fed and paid, which is quite a consideration. Naturally, there are snags – someone in the Glory Hole has an electric guitar, and there’s Shuttleworth, the Chief Steward. Do you know him? He’d have made an excellent assistant beak at Dotheboys’ Hall.’
    I nodded. I had already lavished my professional attention on Mr Shuttleworth’s feet, and found him a jovial little bird emitting a friendly aura of beer and onions. I supposed it showed how people can vary with your viewpoint.
    ‘The little wart made me scrub acres of dirty deck this morning, simply because I’d asked for Ophelia’s cabin number.’ Basil gave a laugh. ‘Odd how our social positions have changed, Grim. I was just going to suggest that you and I and Ophelia all whooped up a few cocktails in the Veranda Bar to celebrate the reunion. Though I must say, dear chappie,’ he went on warmly, ‘I’m delighted Shuttleworth appointed me as your personal steward. Now I’ll be able to use your cabin whenever I want, and you can’t imagine how convenient it is knowing you’re certain of finding a drink and a smoke. It’ll be particularly useful in the afternoons, when I like to run through a few parts.’
    I reached for the gin bottle again.
    ‘A little later on–’ Basil gave a wink. ‘I’m sure you won’t mind taking a stroll on deck while I entertain Ophelia? That sort of thing would be completely impossible in the Glory Hole, of course. Good Lord, is that the time?’ He swung his legs to the deck. ‘I must toil up to the bridge with the Radio Officer’s sandwiches. That exploiter of the workers, Shuttleworth, lands me with all the dirty jobs. But believe me, I could put up with twice as much to be near my little Ophelia. By the way, Grim,’ he added, ‘whatever happened about the test?’
    ‘Test? What test?’
    ‘You know, when you made me widdle in a jam-jar.’
    ‘Oh, that? Normal. Perfectly normal.’
    ‘That’s a relief. For some reason Ophelia never let me know. Terribly decent of you to invite me to make free with your cabin.’ Basil put an arm round my shoulders. ‘But as I always said in those happy days in the dear old digs – Grimsdyke, above all, is a gentleman.’
    He left. For a minute I stood staring at the sofa. Then I pulled open the door and made straight for Mr Shuttleworth’s office on the main square.
    ‘’Ullo, Doc.’ The Chief Steward looked surprised over his pile of ship’s papers. ‘Something up? You seem proper flustered, and no mistake.’
    ‘Something rather troublesome has happened, Chief,’ I muttered. ‘That steward you’ve given me–’
    ‘Beauchamp? New this voyage. What’s the perisher up to?’
    ‘If you don’t mind I’d rather not go into details. Least said, and all that. But – well, the chap isn’t at all satisfactory.’
    ‘Cor luv us, I might have known.’ Mr Shuttleworth tipped back his chair. ‘You wouldn’t believe it, the rubbish they