Free Julius Katz Mysteries by Dave Zeltserman Page B

Rosten another dozen roses.
    “I don’t get it,” I said. “You obviously struck out, so why so chipper?”
    “Goodnight, Archie,” he said.
    It went on like this for the next three days. When Julius blew off a high-stakes poker game for yet another date with Lily Rosten, I knew something was seriously askew. I’d been trying to uncover this anomaly in his behavior through mathematical models, but I decided to go at it from a different angle and instead search for similar patterns in literature. It was after analyzing the text of a Jane Austen novel that I realized what was going on. Mystery solved. When Julius once again arrived home at midnight, I asked him how his evening went.
    “Very well, Archie, thank you for asking.”
    “You know, we could double date. Why don’t you ask Lily if she has one of those ultra-slim iPods that she could bring along?”
    He chuckled at that. “I just might,” he said.
    “While we’re on the subject, I guess I’ll be needing to update your standard press release,” I said. “Should I remove the reference concerning your being a confirmed bachelor now, or should I wait?”
    That brought out the barest trace of a guilty smile. “Good night, Archie,” he said.
    As I said before, mystery solved.

ARCHIE’S BEEN FRA M ED
     
    Originally published in the Sept/Oct 2010 issue of Ellery Queen M ystery M agazine. Won 1st place in Ellery Queen’s Readers Choice Awards.
     
    By itself solving the PanzerCo corporate espionage case had left Julius flush with cash, but after following that up with a few very good weeks at the track and an even more exceptional night at a high-stakes poker game, Julius currently had over six months in reserves in his bank account. There was little chance I would be able to talk him into taking another case until his reserves reached a more anemic level, so unless Julius bought Lily Rosten the antique pearl and sapphire necklace he’d been eyeing or was successful in his bid for a case of 1945 Château Petrus or hit a rough patch with his gambling, it was doubtful that I would have another chance to refine the deductive reasoning module for my neuron network for at least another four months.
    Let me explain. While Julius refers to me as Archie, and I act as his private secretary, research assistant, unofficial biographer, and all around man Friday, I am in actuality a two-inch rectangular piece of advanced technology that Julius wears as a tie clip. When I say that I’m made up of advanced technology, I’m not kidding. Any laboratory outside of the one that created me would be amazed at what they discovered if they were allowed to open me up. Not only would they find computer technology that they wouldn’t think possible for at least another twenty years but also a fully functional self-adapting neuron network that simulates intelligence and consciousness, as well as many all-too-human emotions. I don’t think the emotion element was expected, but it’s what has happened, and one of the emotions that I find myself more and more experiencing is desire, specifically the desire to beat my boss, the great detective Julius Katz, at solving a case. So far it hasn’t happened; in fact I haven’t come close yet, but I know if I can keep refining my neuron network eventually, I’ll accomplish this.
    So that’s my dilemma. Julius being as lazy as he is means he won’t take a case until he absolutely has to in order to replace dwindling funds, and that would only be so that he can continue engaging in the activities that he enjoys so much: collecting and drinking fine wine, dining at gourmet restaurants, gambling, and entertaining Lily Rosten. Until recently, womanizing would’ve been high on his list, but since meeting Ms. Rosten he has quit that activity. So given Julius’s recent financial successes, it would be months before I’d be able to nag him into taking another case, and as a consequence, months before I’d be able to refine my neuron