Free Lost Boi by Sassafras Lowrey Page B

ribbons from around her neck and said: “Bois, I am so proud to call you mine. I promise to care for you always. A Mommy’s heart will always be your home. These are thekeys to my heart. You will each wear them, the same way you wear Pan’s cuff.” She gave the first to Pan, tying the ribbon around his neck, and then moved on to Slightly, Curly, John Michael, and the Twins. When she got to me, I felt my face flush, realizing the magnitude of what I was about to consent to. No longer would I be just Pan’s boi; now I would also be Mommy Wendi’s. I felt the weight of the charm as she finished knotting the ribbon.
    As Wendi stood before Nibs, ready to tie the key around his neck, he looked her in the eyes without speaking, then turned and walked out of Neverland. Pan started to chase after him, but Wendi sighed and tucked the charm into her apron pocket saying, “No, Pan, this is a big change for a boi. My feelings aren’t hurt, and a Mommy knows how to be patient. Give him time.”
    All us bois were fingering the heart-shaped key charms that now hung around our necks, and Wendi turned her attentions to her new ring. She looked at the eight stones: red, purple, white, green, orange, pink, yellow, and light blue. Pan proudly explained that each marked the birthday of one of her bois. “See, this one right here is for Curly, and that green one is for me, of course, and the purple one is Tootles, and the white and orange ones are the Twins.” No one dared point out how the Twins’ stones should have been the same colour, them being twins and all. Pan said it was true, and so it was. That was the way of Neverland.
    Us lost bois, we needed Wendi, which was to be ourgreatest weakness. We needed a Mommy; Pan told us so. He needed her too, which made our hunger stronger. We were starving, and finally she came for us. As I’ve told you, time in Neverland is strange; there is no past for Pan, and as his bois, we too strive to live in the now, so we couldn’t remember when he first started to talk about us needing a Mommy, about his desire. He wanted to submit, but more than that, he wanted to be tucked in. And maybe Pan didn’t want to lose us. Maybe he saw sharing us with a Mommy as a way to keep us from growing up, as some of his other bois had done. I think, in his own way, Pan knew that he needed more than D/s protocol, more than the high-fantasy-come-true of the life we lived in Neverland, the way of life he has committed himself to always upholding. But Pan couldn’t see the future, and he’d never had a mother. He didn’t know that even here, where it was all queer and leather, Mommy’s job was to grow us up, queer as we were, queer as we would become.
    Later, Pan sent me out in search of Nibs to straighten him out. It felt good to still be trusted, to still be the boi Pan turned to when he needed something done. It wasn’t hard to find Nibs. He was at the all-night diner, making a cup of coffee last as long as possible. He didn’t look surprised when the bells on the door jingled as I walked in. I ordered a cup and sat down, uninvited, at his table.
    â€œPan wants you home,” I said when it was clear he wasn’t going to start a conversation.
    â€œPan does? Or Wendi does?” he replied.
    â€œDoes it matter?” I asked.
    â€œOf course it matters! Fuck, I can’t believe you’re just going along with this! I know you’ll do anything for Pan, but—”
    â€œAs should you! As we both swore that we would! And not that you should be questioning, but it was Pan who sent me looking for you.”
    â€œLay off it. Fuck, you’re the best boi, okay? I’m not trying to compete with you for that, I just was trying to say it’s weird, isn’t it? All of a sudden, Pan brings home this little grrrl and we’re all expected to jump, to obey her orders? That’s not what I signed up for, and that’s