Free To Be With You by Opal Mellon Page A

of your date?”
    “Sure.”
    “You don’t seem that excited about it.”
    “What is there to be excited about?” Sean stuffed his clothes into his bag. “I’m tricking my best friend. She’s going on a date with me as a male escort, not as me.”
    Hope sat on a small dresser and clasped her hands on a raised knee. “What were you expecting as an outcome?”
    Sean stopped and glared at her. “I don’t know. I’m stupid I guess. I wanted to keep her safe, but now I’m realizing I could really hurt her.”
    “Are you sure that’s the problem? Maybe you didn’t really do this to keep her safe. Maybe you did it to get a chance with her.” Hope bit her lip and shook her head. “You might want to think that one over.”
    “It’s a little late for that,” he said.
    “Maybe you should just tell her, and pursue her like a normal dude.” Hope shook her head and put a finger up to her temple.
    “She’s never seen me like that,” he said. “I guess it was easier to just assume she needed me, and that overrode everything else.” He sat across from her and put his head in his hands.
    “And now you see she’s fully capable of taking care of herself,” Hope said.
    “I don’t think anyone is,” Sean said.
    “Even you?” Hope asked. “It’s okay to need someone. It’s the epitome of arrogance to try to make someone need you while insisting you don’t need anyone.”
    Sean felt her comment like a dagger. He thanked her and picked up his bag to head out the front door. He bypassed the elevator and took the stairs. He needed the thudding of his shoes, the steady balance of swinging arms, and the rush of hard breathing at the end.
    He fled out the stairwell exit and stopped at the dark parking lot. Everything, from the glistening black pavement wet from a night of rain, to the black sky in the distance, seemed cold and unwelcoming. He didn’t want to go to his car, didn’t want to go home. Needed some time to think.
    The whole situation had started getting overwhelming, like a video game where the screen moves and tries to crush you if you don’t move fast enough. He thought of places he did want to go: The beach. The dojang. But both needed the car, and he just couldn’t lock himself in with his own thoughts and no room to breathe.
    Everything had seemed simpler, if lonelier, before. Calls on Sunday to the family, time at the dojang, reading at home, and of course Nicole’s emails to assure him that he was involved in the world and had at least one friend. Sean crossed the street and walked in the darkness.
    Why did he feel that Nicole wouldn’t want him outside of as a protector? Hope said he should pursue her for real. But that seemed impossible. What would she be interested in? He crossed the street and headed in the direction of the nearest beach, which was still about five miles away. He wished it was colder, wished it would rain again.
    Sean relished sensation, enjoyed being more aware of what was happening externally rather than internally. But between Nicole and Hope and their displeasure with him today, he felt like he couldn’t keep his finger on his unraveling self-image without searching a bit for the loose thread.
    He’d walked for hours when he finally came to a barrier that separated beach from road. He stepped over it easily. His feet sunk into the sand and he didn’t care that his dress shoes would probably be beyond repair after this.
    He walked until he had a good enough view of the ocean and sat down, watching it. He slowed his breathing, trying to calm his racing thoughts and feelings, and asked himself the main question of the night. Why had he done all of this in the first place? How selfish was he really?
    He’d been bored. He’d been wondering how to take another step with Nicole. He’d been empty. But he could swear that wasn’t all it was. He’d felt something, a yearning, an anxiety, when she talked about hiring a host. But was it really because she was unsafe, or