Free Do You Think You're Clever? by John Farndon Page B

could say it’s an oblate spheroid, since it’s slightly flattened at the ends. But that would not allow for the flattening around the sides on many apples, too. And of course, this completely ignores the toroidal indenting at top and bottom. It might be simpler to sum up its shape as apploid. We might even be able to come up with an equation to describe an apploid, by assuming an imaginary, perfectly symmetrical apple. Of course, real apples are never perfectly symmetrical, but our mathematical apploid could be a good model of the average apple.
    A botanist might have yet another description: An apple is a pome, a special kind of fruit that grows on
Rosaceae
trees of the Maloid family, which also includes pears, quinces, medlars and rowans. Pomes are distinctive because they are ‘accessory’ fruits, in which the flesh isnot made from the carpels (the fertilised ovary) but grows around them. In an apple, the carpels are the five-pointed star of the core alone, each with its seeds or ‘pips’. The shrivelled remains of sepals, style and stamen often form a little complementary five-pointed star at the base of the apple. The apples we eat are cultivars, varieties developed from
Malus domestica
, the cultivated tree taken from the wild
Malus sieversii
, which grows in the mountains of Central Asia.
    An organic chemist might describe an apple as an arrangement of cellulose in cells containing water, sugars such as fructose and glucose, mild acids such as malic acid, Vitamin C, minerals and amino acids.
    A mythologist could describe an apple in many ways – as the forbidden fruit, the fruit of the tree of knowledge, for instance. It was said to be an apple that the Biblical Eve coaxed Adam to share with her, so that they both learned they were naked and were expelled from the Garden of Eden. Golden apples were the fruit of the Greek Tree of Life in the Garden of the Hesperides, which Hercules had to pluck as one of his Twelve Labours. They were the gifts of Aphrodite, the goddess of love, too. Indeed, pretty much every culture has its own special apple stories.
    A greengrocer might describe an apple as ‘a lovely eater, really sweet and crisp – delicious’ or ‘a great cooker, big and juicy’. A cook might add that it’s very versatile fruit, which can be used in a huge variety of dishes, including apple pie and apple crumble – not to mention as an accompanimentto pork. A wine merchant could say it’s the basic ingredient of cider or calvados. To a harassed parent, an apple might be a healthy way to keep the kids quiet in between meals. For disappointed medieval audiences, a (rotten) apple might be a critical theatre review. William Tell’s son might describe an apple as the difference between life and death, or ‘dad’s psychopathic moment’. To Isaac Newton, it was a matter of some gravity. And for Salvador Dali it could be a nun’s posterior or a skull’s eye socket …
    And finally, listen to the very bad but aptly named romantic poet, Bramley Laxton:
    ‘On the Apple’
    (Written at Egremont Russet)
    Oh apple, glorious autumn’s bounty,

Richest fruit of shortening days,

Come when summer’s brightness dwindles

Softly into moistening haze.

In lovely luscious clusters drooping

Your gold and russet globes aglow

Ripe and ready now for plucking –

Can I reach one? Can I? Oh!

Yes, I have you now and swiftly

Bite on flesh so crisp and sweet.

Here’s a moment’s taste of heaven:

Before the winter, autumn’s treat.

Oh orchard pome, gold and delicious,

Let me ask you one thing more:

Please apple fair, you’re so appealing,

Come back next year for your encore!

The stage: a platform for opinions or just entertainment – what are your thoughts?
    (Education Studies, Cambridge)
    The stage today can be pretty much what the performer wants it to be, yet it’s rarely either opinion or entertainment alone. There is quite a difference, for instance, between even the most undiluted piece of