Free My Man Jeeves by P. G. Wodehouse Page A

grateful if you would explain."
    "Well, we arranged with Mr. Bickersteth that eighty–seven citizens of Birdsburg should have the privilege of meeting and shaking hands with you for a financial consideration mutually arranged, and what my friend Simms here means—and I'm with him—is that we have only Mr. Bickersteth's word for it—and he is a stranger to us—that you are the Duke of Chiswick at all."
    Old Chiswick gulped.
    "Allow me to assure you, sir," he said, in a rummy kind of voice, "that I am the Duke of Chiswick."
    "Then that's all right," said the chappie heartily. "That was all we wanted to know. Let the thing go on."
    "I am sorry to say," said old Chiswick, "that it cannot go on. I am feeling a little tired. I fear I must ask to be excused."
    "But there are seventy–seven of the boys waiting round the corner at this moment, Duke, to be introduced to you."
    "I fear I must disappoint them."
    "But in that case the deal would have to be off."
    "That is a matter for you and my nephew to discuss."
    The chappie seemed troubled.
    "You really won't meet the rest of them?"
    "No!"
    "Well, then, I guess we'll be going."
    They went out, and there was a pretty solid silence. Then old Chiswick turned to Bicky:
    "Well?"
    Bicky didn't seem to have anything to say.
    "Was it true what that man said?"
    "Yes, uncle."
    "What do you mean by playing this trick?"
    Bicky seemed pretty well knocked out, so I put in a word.
    "I think you'd better explain the whole thing, Bicky, old top."
    Bicky's Adam's–apple jumped about a bit; then he started:
    "You see, you had cut off my allowance, uncle, and I wanted a bit of money to start a chicken farm. I mean to say it's an absolute cert if you once get a bit of capital. You buy a hen, and it lays an egg every day of the week, and you sell the eggs, say, seven for twenty–five cents."
    "Keep of hens cost nothing. Profit practically——"
    "What is all this nonsense about hens? You led me to suppose you were a substantial business man."
    "Old Bicky rather exaggerated, sir," I said, helping the chappie out. "The fact is, the poor old lad is absolutely dependent on that remittance of yours, and when you cut it off, don't you know, he was pretty solidly in the soup, and had to think of some way of closing in on a bit of the ready pretty quick. That's why we thought of this handshaking scheme."
    Old Chiswick foamed at the mouth.
    "So you have lied to me! You have deliberately deceived me as to your financial status!"
    "Poor old Bicky didn't want to go to that ranch," I explained. "He doesn't like cows and horses, but he rather thinks he would be hot stuff among the hens. All he wants is a bit of capital. Don't you think it would be rather a wheeze if you were to——"
    "After what has happened? After this—this deceit and foolery? Not a penny!"
    "But——"
    "Not a penny!"
    There was a respectful cough in the background.
    "If I might make a suggestion, sir?"
    Jeeves was standing on the horizon, looking devilish brainy.
    "Go ahead, Jeeves!" I said.
    "I would merely suggest, sir, that if Mr. Bickersteth is in need of a little ready money, and is at a loss to obtain it elsewhere, he might secure the sum he requires by describing the occurrences of this afternoon for the Sunday issue of one of the more spirited and enterprising newspapers."
    "By Jove!" I said.
    "By George!" said Bicky.
    "Great heavens!" said old Chiswick.
    "Very good, sir," said Jeeves.
    Bicky turned to old Chiswick with a gleaming eye.
    "Jeeves is right. I'll do it! The
Chronicle
would jump at it. They eat that sort of stuff."
    Old Chiswick gave a kind of moaning howl.
    "I absolutely forbid you, Francis, to do this thing!"
    "That's all very well," said Bicky, wonderfully braced, "but if I can't get the money any other way——"
    "Wait! Er—wait, my boy! You are so impetuous! We might arrange something."
    "I won't go to that bally ranch."
    "No, no! No, no, my boy! I would not suggest it. I would not for a moment suggest it. I—I