Free Wuthering Heights by Spike Milligan Page A

the skin and the skin soaked to the bone. She wore a young dress,
befitting her age, not her position. When she changed into dry clothing she
came and sat down. “You sit opposite me,” she said, “and put poor Catherine’s
baby away.”
    ‘I rang the bell and handed
the child to a servant. “Drown it,” I said.
    ‘She told me she had run
away from Heathcliff. It was a good direction to go in. She mentioned that she
couldn’t stand another curry-filled love-making. “He uses a chapatti as a
contraceptive! I hate him, I’ve recovered from my desire to be killed by him.”
    ‘ “That’s very sensible of
you,” I said.
    ‘ “At first he said he was
besotted with me. I don’t want to besot anybody.”
    ‘ “Hush, hush,” I said. “Be
more charitable, there are worse men than he is.”
    ‘ “Oh, really?” she said,
cheering up. “Where?”
    ‘ “Luton,” I said.
    ‘She went on, “He’s a
monster, you know what he did to me last night?”
    ‘ “No,” I said.
    ‘ “Thank heaven for that,”
she said, closing her eyes in memory of the horror. “Heathcliff destroyed my
love, he also hurt his Achilles’ tendon. I have no power to feel for him, now
he has feel on his own,” said Isabella.
    ‘She told me that every
night since Cathy died, Heathcliff had come here and slept in the woods. “It’s
a wonder,” she said, “it’s a wonder that Edgar didn’t call a constable and hand
him into police custard!” 15 At Wuthering Heights she told me that these days she wasn’t so fearful of
Heathcliff or his chapatti. “I move up and down the house, less with the foot
of a frightened thief, than formerly.”
    ‘She told me she had a
cupboard full of feet from frightened thieves. She recounted to me of a
terrible evening. She was by the fire, Earnshaw sat in his evening-gown,
sipping port and lemon in between putting on make-up. There was a knock at the
door, it was Heathcliff. “Ahhh,” screamed Earnshaw. “’Tis Heathcliff, I’ll kill
him,” he said, taking a pistol from his stocking top.
    ‘Isabella ran to the window
and warned Heathcliff. “You better seek shelter somewhere else tonight, like
Belgium. Mr Earnshaw has a mind to kill you.”
    ‘ “You cow, you better open
the door, I’m not going to Belgium,” he raged.
    ‘ “Come in and get shot
then.”
    ‘Heathcliff burst into the
room, it went all over the floor. Before Earnshaw could kill him, Heathcliff
knocked the pistol and handbag from Earnshaw’s grasp.
    ‘ “I’ll tell my boyfriend
about you,” sobbed Earnshaw. “You half killed me,” he said from the live half.
He replaced his dress straps over his lovely shoulders.
    ‘ “Not a word of this to
anyone,” said Heathcliff. “Not even Mrs Gladys Noff of No. 22 Gabriel Street,
Honor Oak Park, SE26.”
    ‘ “I’ll not hold my
tongue,” Isabella said.
    ‘ “All right,” he said,
“hold this,” and gave her a banana.
    ‘Earnshaw rose from the
floor picking up his teeth scattered around.
    ‘Next morning Earnshaw came
down, wearing a pink satin gown with roses at the waist and black patent shoes.
He looked beautiful. How lucky his sailor boyfriend “Shagger” MacGee was. Then
Heathcliff arrived, “his forehead,” Isabella said, “that I once thought manly,”
was shaded with a heavy cloud, a cold wind and slight rainfall on the north
side; his face was one of unspeakable sadness.
    ‘ “Your face is one of
unspeakable sadness,” Isabella said. “Oh, Nelly,” she continued, “I owe him so
much, it’s about three pounds five shillings. On only one condition can I
forgive him, it’s an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a leg for a leg, an
ear for an ear, an Achilles’ tendon for an Achilles’ tendon.”
    ‘ “Stop, miss,” I said.
“There won’t be much of him left!”
    ‘Hindley wanted some water.
So I threw a glass over him. Isabella stopped talking, thank Christ. She took a
drink of tea. She said goodbye. I begged her to stay longer.