Free The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove by Christopher Moore Page A

hadn't counted on this. She was tempted to run to her kitchen area and gulp down one of her blue pills (Stelazine – "the Smurfs of Sanity," she called them) to see if it could chase the hallucination, but she couldn't tear herself from the trailer window. It was too real – and too weird. Could there be a big, burnt beast lumbering out of the creek? And if so, had she just watched it turn into a double-wide trailer?
    Hallucinations, thatwas one of the five symptoms of schizophrenia. Molly kept a list of all the symptoms. In fact she'd stolen a desk drawer version of the DSM-IV – The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the book psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illness – from Valerie Riordan. According to the DSM-IV, you had to have two of the five symptoms. Hallucinations were one; okay, that was a possibility. But delusions, no way; she wasn't the least bitdeluded, she knew she was having hallucinations. Number three was disorganized speech or incoherence. She'd give it a try.
    "Hi, Molly, how the heck are you?" she asked.
    "Not well, thank you. I'm worried that my speech may be disorganized," she answered.
    "Well, you sound fine to me," she said, by way of being polite.
    "Thanks for saying so," she replied with genuine gratitude. "I guess I'm okay."
    "You're fine. Nice ass, by the way."
    "Thanks, you're not too bad yourself."
    "See, not disorganized at all," she said, not realizing that the conversation was over.
    Symptom four was grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior. She looked around her trailer. Most of the dishes were done, the videotapes of her movies were arranged chronologically, and the goldfish were still dead in the aquarium. Nope, nothing disorganized in this place.Schizo 1, Sanity 3.
    Number five, negative symptoms, such as "affective flattening, alogia, or avolition."Well, a woman hits her forties, of course there's a little affective flattening, but she was sure enough that she didn't have the other two symptoms to not even look them up.
    But then there was the footnote: "Only one criterion required if delusions are bizarre or hallucinations consist of a voice keeping up a running commentary on the person's behavior or thoughts."
    So, she thought if I have a narrator, I'm batshit. In most of the Kendra movies, there had been a narrator. It helped tie a story together that was supposed to take place in the nuked-out future when, in fact, it was being filmed in an abandoned strip mine nearBarstow. And narration was easy to dub into foreign languages because you didn't have to match the lips. So the question she had to askherself, was:
    "Do I have a narrator?"
    "No way," said the narrator.
    "Fuck," said Molly. Just when she'd settled into having a simple personality disorder, she had to learn to be psychotic all over again. Being schizo wasn't all bad. Being diagnosed schizo ten years ago had gotten her the monthly disability check from the state, but Val Riordan had assured her that since then her status had changed from schizophrenic: paranoid type, single episode, in partial remission, with prominent negative symptoms, persecutory-type delusions, and negative stressors (Molly liked to think of the negative stressors as "special sauce") to a much more healthy, postmorbid shizotypal personality disorder, bipolar type (no "special sauce"). To make the latter you had to fulfill the prerequisite of at least one psychotic event then hit five out of nine symptoms. It was a much tougher and more subtle form of batshit. Molly's favorite symptom was: "Odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with subcultural norms."
    The narrator said, "So the magical thinking – that would be that you believe that in another dimension, you actually are Kendra, Warrior Babe of the Outland?"
    "Fucking narrator again," Molly said. "You're not going away, are you? I don't need this symptom."
    "You can't really say that your 'magical thinking' affects your behavior, can