Free Maskerade by Terry Pratchett Page B

desperately for an escape route. The window was too high, the person opening the door was wearing a long dress that militated against the old “through the legs” routine and…and…and… there was no escape…
    His claws scrabbled on the floor…
    Oh no… here it came…
    Something flipped in his body’s morphogenic field. Here was a problem a cat shape couldn’t deal with. Oh, well, we know another one. Sometimes Greebo could be almost…human.
    Crockery crashed around him. Shelves erupted as his head rose. A bag of flour exploded outward to make room for his broadening shoulders.
    The cook stared up at him. Then she looked down. And then up. And then, her gaze dragged as though it were on a winch, down again.
    She screamed.
    Greebo screamed.
    He grabbed desperately at a bowl to cover that part which, as a cat, he never had to worry about exposing.
    He screamed again, this time because he’d just poured lukewarm pork dripping all over himself.
    His groping fingers found a large copper jelly mold. Clasping it to his groinal areas, he barreled forward and fled out of the pantry and out of the kitchen and out of the dining room and out of the inn and into the night.
    The spy, who was dining with the traveling salesman, put down his knife.
    “That’s something you don’t often see,” he said.
    “What?” said the salesman, who’d had his back to the excitement.
    “One of those old copper jelly molds. They’re worth quite a lot now. My aunt had a very good one.”
    The hysterical cook was given a big drink and several members of staff went out into the darkness to investigate.
    All they found was a jelly mold, lying forlornly in the yard.

    At home Granny Weatherwax slept with open windows and an unlocked door, secure in the knowledge that the Ramtops’ various creatures of the night would rather eat their own ears than break in. In dangerously civilized lands, however, she took a different view.
    “I really don’t think we need to shove the bed in front of the door, Esme,” said Nanny Ogg, heaving on her end.
    “You can’t be too careful,” said Granny. “Supposing some man started rattlin’ the knob in the middle of the night?”
    “Not at our time of life,” said Nanny sadly.
    “Gytha Ogg, you are the most—”
    Granny was interrupted by a watery sound. It came from behind the wall and went on for some time.
    It stopped, and then started again—a steady splashing that gradually became a trickle. Nanny started to grin.
    “Someone fillin’ a bath?” said Granny.
    “…or I suppose it could be someone fillin’ a bath,” Nanny conceded.
    There was the sound of a third jug being emptied. Footsteps left the room. A few seconds later a door opened and there was a rather heavier tread, followed after a brief interval by a few splashes and a grunt.
    “Yes, a man gettin’ into a bath,” said Granny. “What’re you doin’, Gytha?”
    “Seein’ if there’s a knothole in this wood somewhere,” said Nanny. “Ah, here’s one—”
    “Come back here!”
    “Sorry, Esme.”
    And then the singing started. It was a very pleasant tenor voice, given added timbre by the bath itself.
    “Show me the way to go home, I’m tired and I want to go to bed—”
    “Someone’s enjoyin’ themselves, anyway,” said Nanny.
    “—wherever I may roam—”
    There was a knock at the distant bathroom door, upon which the singer slipped smoothly into another language:
    “ —per via di terra, mare o schiuma— ”
    The witches looked at one another.
    A muffled voice said, “I’ve brought you your hot-water bottle, sir.”
    “Thank you verr’ mucha,” said the bather, his voice dripping with accent.
    Footsteps went away in the distance.
    “— Indicame la strada… to go home.” Splash, splash. “Good eeeeevening, frieeeends…”
    “Well, well, well,” said Granny, more or less to herself. “It seems once again that our Mr. Slugg is a secret polyglot.”
    “Fancy! And you haven’t even looked