Free Suck It, Wonder Woman!: The Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek by Olivia Munn

store. I continued walking until I heard behind me: “What’s your name?”
    I turned around and said, “Olivia.” The very tall guy I just passed put his hand out to say hello and told me his name: “Hi, I’m Evander Holyfield.”
    “Yeah…” I responded. “I know.”
    He asked where I was going and I told him I was on my way to grab lunch at this Italian restaurant. He asked if he and his assistant could join me.
    A few minutes later we were sitting in this empty Italian restaurant, Evander Holyfield on my left, his assistant to my right. Just an hour ago, I was sitting in my dark hotel room crying, feeling sad and lonely, and now I’m here with the former heavyweight champion of the world.
    The waitress took my order: meat lasagna and a house salad. Evander looked at me and said, “Is your mom fat?”
    “What?” I responded.
    “Is your mom fat? Does she have a big ass, big thighs?” he asked.
    “No. She’s not fat,” I answered.
    “Good. Then you can eat the lasagna. If your mom’s not fat, you’re not gonna be fat. But if you’re mom’s fat—you can’t eat that lasagna,” Evander explained.
    Lunch was pretty quiet. He asked me where I was from and other simple questions. And then toward the end of my fatty fatterson lasagna, he asked me one last, simple question:
    “Good. Then you can eat the lasagna. If your mom’s not fat, you’re not gonna be fat.”
    “I got eight babies, by eight different women. You wanna have my ninth?”
    I sat stunned, not so much by the question itself but at how easily and matter-of-factly he had asked it. “No thank you,” I said.

    Before we finished lunch, I remembered to look. The ear! How could I be this close to the man and not look at the infamous ear that Mike Tyson had once nibbled upon as if it were meat lasagna and he had a fat mother? So I did. And for those of you who ever wanted to know: yes. Yes, there is a scar on his ear and yes, it looks like someone took a big-ass bite out of it. Now that I think about it, I’m glad I didn’t look at the ear before ordering lunch.



Dating—apart from trying to figure out why the hell some starlet’s boobs hang so low, is there a bigger mystery in the universe? I say no, but I also say there are a few easy ways to take a little bit of the mystery out of it. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. And take it from me, I should know: I’ve had, like, five whole boyfriends in my life and only one of them had Tourette’s and another one was the maybe-gay son of a famous general…Anyway, read on to learn how you, too, can conquer the confusion of courting.
    1. Pack up that Pickup Line
    Girls know if they like a guy from pretty much the first moment they see him. Ipso facto (Latin, bitches!): No pickup line will work. Even if you come up with the wittiest, funniest, most brilliant I-can’t-believe-you-just-said-that-please-allow-me-to-rip-off-all-my-clothes-right-now line, it won’t matter if she’s not physically attracted to you. “Hello, I’m Jeff” is the best pickup line you can have. Especially if your name is Jeff. Ditch all others.
    2. Slow Down, Speed Racer
    Okay, you’ve negotiated the dangerous, shark-infested pickup waters and met a girl who’s awesome and you decide she might be the one—or at least the one for that night and she could possibly even get you to change your Facebook status. What to do then? Buy her something sparkly that you totally can’t afford from Tiffany’s, right? Because nothing says I love you like going into massive debt! Wrong. Wait at least six months before splurging for that extravagant gift. You want her to feel special, of course, but buying her pricey items right away might make her feel like you are upping the seriousness factor too soon. Relax. Play it cool for a while. Have her over to your place for a Guitar Hero night or to watch The Dark Knight —and make sure to fast forward to all the Joker scenes; they’re really the best. Practice your Dirty