Free Private Parts by Howard Stern Page B

years of oppression!"
    Hey, if things are going wrong for you, maybe it's you who's causing the problem. That's a hard concept to come to grips with when you're used to blaming everybody else.
    "Hey man, the summer's coming and there's no jobs."
    Who's going to hire you? You've got thirty-seven earrings in your ear, you look as if you stepped off the set of a rap video, your hat is on backwards, and you've got your girlfriend's initials carved into your hair. Hey, if I walked in like that, no one would hire me, either.
    And if you want to look like that, start your own business. This is America. Get off your ass. You don't have to answer to the white man. Start your own business right in the black community. Forget about four hundred years of oppression. If you wait for the white man to solve your problems, you're finished. You've got to be like those Koreans you're shooting. They bust their ass twenty-four hours in those delis. The whole family is working seven days a week.
    "But the Koreans don't understand. They're rude to us. If I steal a fruit they yell at me, and they don't even yell in English."
    Hey, they're rude to you? Don't go in the store. Open your own store. Everyone hated the Jews when they came over and lived in the ghettoes. You think the ruling class WASPs were so anxious to help the Jews develop businesses in this country? They couldn't care less if every Jew in America starved. They wouldn't let the Jews in their law firms so the Jews created their own law firms. They said, "Screw you, WASPs." You can do it, too.
    MY SECRET OF LIFE
    Why doesn't everyone behave? Life is really so simple. Let me tell you the secret of life. You learn it young. The problem is after I give people the secret of life, they say, "Howard, that's not such a big secret." I know how they feel. It's like the end of an Ingmar Bergman movie. He takes you through hell and then at the end, all of a sudden, he says, "The secret of life is strawberries and cream." What the hell is he talking about? I just sat through three hours of boredom to find
    out that life is strawberries and cream? That rat bastard, I'd like to take his Swedish ass and throw it out the window. I went through a chess game with Death to find out that life is strawberries and cream?
    You want the secret of life? Here it is: You wake up in the morning. You eat a little breakfast, maybe read the newspaper. You attempt to go to school if you're that age. If your teacher tells you to sit in the chair, you sit in the chair. If you don't feel like it, you force yourself, anyway. You get older, the routine doesn't change. You eat breakfast, you go to work, you come home. If you're lucky enough, you're married. If you're not, then maybe you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. You yell at your wife, you make up with your wife. If your testicles feel all right, you bang your wife. You watch a video you rented or maybe you go out to the movies.
    Then you go home to your bedroom, you mellow out a little bit. If you're the late Sam Kinison you take a schnapps. Then maybe you get a snack, have some strawberries and cream, and wash it down with a Snapple. Then you snore away for eight hours, you wake up, and you do it all over again. You wait for the weekend, that's your party, the weekend. The secret of life is so simple. That's life. If you have kids, you live with the kids. You don't move out on your wife. You stay with her even if you've banged her nine thousand times and you're sick of it. You stay with her anyway. Nobody follows that. They don't realize that's the secret to life. When you've got kids, you raise them.
    The secret of life, in one cliché, if I may sum it up for you, is: ENJOY, EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING. Stop looking for a big bang, stop looking for some kind of excitement. And if you can't go along with these rules, you're a misfit. Expect to be beaten by the police. It's like going on a diet. The secret to losing weight is to keep your big fat trap shut.
    "But I got