Free Into the Flames (Out of the Ashes #2) by S. M. Lynn

You don’t have to say anything.  We don’t have to do this.  Really I understand how difficult this must be for you.”  I can’t bring myself to look at him so I just stare straight ahead. 
    Ian takes a deep breath and before I even realize he’s moved, my hand is in his and his thigh brushes mine.  He brings his nose to my hair and inhales deeply.  My eyes close in pleasure.  It’s all I can do to suppress the moan that rises up in the back of my throat.  “I’ve missed you so much.”  His whispered words crack with emotion.  “Do you have any idea…  No, of course you don’t.  I know it looks as if I abandoned you just when you need ed me the most.”  Yes, he hit the nail on the head with that one.  Because while I understand his need to process everything in his own time, the last few weeks I needed his support the most.  I reflect again on the time we lost.  Was this the destiny for our relationship, to come so close and then to have one or the other of us pull away?  I don’t think I can deal with the consequences of the back and forth any longer. 
    “Ian, I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean to hurt you or lie to you.  You must understand.  I couldn’t let anyone know.  I couldn’t risk him finding me.  Though in the end it appears that it was all for naught.  I’m sorry.  I really wanted to tell you.  You have to know that.  That night, I tried, I wanted to…  I was going to tell you.  Please you have to believe me.”
    “Cele… Sorry, Lauren.  God, it’s going to take some time to get used to calling you that.  Do you have any idea how much I wanted you the first time I saw you?  The first time we met, I mean the very first time.  When you came upstate with your father?”  A small smile played on his lips and I couldn’t help but return it.  “You couldn’t have been more than 17 or 18 at the time.  It was only one meeting and fairly brief.  I think you waited in the lobby for William to finish a meeting with my dad and I and then we all went to lunch and that was it.”
    “I will never forget that day as long as I live.”
    “That day all I could think of was taking you back my apartment and stripping you out of that sweet skirt and blouse you had on.  I wanted to see what was underneath but more than that, I was captivated by you.  I had to keep reminding myself that I had a fiancé at home waiting for me and to top it all off, you probably weren’t even legal.” 
    I giggled at the last.  “I was eighteen I’ll have you know.”
    I remembered that day all too well.   During our separation, I thought about it many times, maybe too much, constantly wondering what if.   So many things could have happened to bring us together then.  Life would have been so different for both of us.  Would we be happily married with children right now?  Would we have dated a while and then moved on from each other?  So many thoughts spinning around in my head but all of them meant nothing without him.
    “Of course I do.  I thought you were so hot.  I hadn’t ever felt feelings like that before.  I couldn’t even describe how I felt.  I was hot and tingly all over.”  Okay talking about that day is doing nothing to help this situation.  Now I am hot and bothered in a whole other way and that ’s also doing nothing to help our situation.   Maybe he’s better off without me.  At least without me, he won’t be in danger and he’ll be able to find happiness with someone who won’t keep things from him and lie to him.  “There was a pull toward you that I couldn’t explain.  Still can’t.  I know I should let you go but I can’t.  I know you would be happier with her, safer with her and I should just walk away.  But I love you.  And I will do whatever it takes to bring you back to me.”
    Maybe I should’ ve stopped myself sooner, before I spilled my guts completely but he deserves to know.  And I need to know what I’m up against.  If