Free Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners by Deborah Anapol

with Asperger’s to navigate social situations and function well in intimate relationships, I wouldn’t have expected to find them gravitating toward polyamory, which, as we have seen, thrives on emotional intelligence and excellent communication skills. Nevertheless, serendipity has brought this connection to my attention. Within the space of one day, I discovered that three different people who I’d been interviewing for this book either had been diagnosed with Asperger’s or had a poly lover with Asperger’s. Considering that Asperger’s is thought to be rather rare, I found that significant. When I started reflecting on people I had known, including some of my own partners, I began to notice a common pattern. I began to suspect that a significant minority of people choosing polyamory have Asperger’s traits if not the full-blown syndrome.
    I asked one of my interviewees who identified himself as having Asperger’s how he would account for polyamory and Asperger’s being such unlikely bedfellows. His opinion, based on his own life experience, was that Asperger’s leads to a technical and strategic way of consciously thinking that is applied to relationships as well as other areas of life. Okay, I thought, so polyamory is more strategic? Perhaps it could be, but only for those of very high intelligence.
    Tanya, who suspected that her partner Jerry had Asperger’s, directed me to Dr. Amy Marsh, a sex therapist specializing in working with Asperger syndrome (or Aspies as they are affectionately nicknamed). She told me that she had studied Aspies and sexuality for her doctoral research and found that a number were involved in polyamorous relationships. Why?
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    She guessed that “Aspies gravitate toward intimate situations where there are rules, mutual agreements, parameters, defined roles, and ways to manage their own limited capacities for emotional engagement but still enjoy intimacy (mostly on their terms). . . . My sense is that Aspies will be among those who approach these things in a more formal way than others.” She mentioned polyamory as one of several other intimate structures that have this kind of appeal.
    This explanation seems to be in line with the strategic thinking concept, but I have another hypothesis. Because Aspies are fairly clueless about social norms and prone to misread or overlook negative reactions to social deviations, they are less likely to be bound by mononormative relationship expectations and more willing to experiment with out of the box arrangements. They don’t automatically reject polyamory as socially incorrect as some might do. Instead, they take an unbiased, objective look and decide it may meet their needs. And then they’re not bothered by social ostracism because they either don’t notice or are used to it because of their other odd behaviors. Additionally, polyamory may make intimate relationships more manageable for them if their partners can meet their own needs for empathy and emotional closeness, which the Aspie may find bewildering elsewhere.
    Marsh’s description of her love affair with Michael Rossman, best known for his role in the Free Speech movement in the 1960s, illustrates the ways in which polyamory can enable Aspies to succeed at intimacy.5
    Michael Rossman wrote eloquently about his lifelong quest for Oneness, a quest that included numerous spiritual traditions, psychedelics, and sexual encounters, and it was his writing that initially attracted Marsh, who relates that their meeting took place not so long before his death in 2009. “It was kind of like waltzing with a Cyrano de Bergerac, but without the sword,”
    she says. She writes in the third person about one of their encounters:
    “The woman lets herself into the flat, climbing stairs that are partially obstructed by papers, rocks, plants, and other natural history specimens.
    She looks nice. She’s dressed in anticipation of meeting her lover, but her clothes don’t seem