back in London, our time in the Lakes seems a million years ago. We both had to get straight back to work and have been really tired, so quality time together has been hard. But going to bed every night next to Jackson and having him there when I wake up every morning is amazing.
Pippa hasn’t been around much as she’s been in Buxton with Ben a lot of the time . It’s hard not having her around because now that we’re well into June I’m constantly aware that Sasha’s due date is close, she could really go into labour any day now and as much as I try not to, I can’t help but think about it.
Thankfully, the weather has been amazing for the past couple of weeks. I’ve been spending my days writing in St James’s Park or on our little balcony and getting settled into the new apartment. It’s getting there, we’ve both been really busy so it’s not quite ‘home’ yet, but it’s lovely all the same.
Jackson is getting quieter and quieter as each day passes. He doesn’ t want to have a baby with Sasha, but if he’s got to, then he doesn’t want to be a part time Dad. He’s worried that Sasha will stop him from seeing the baby if he doesn’t do what she wants him to. I just can’t believe that this is our life. One minute we’re on top of the world, and then we’re in hell, then back again. It’s exhausting.
Jackson is at the magazine today and I’m not ashamed to say that I am lying on my back on the grass of the park doing absolutely nothing. Rafe has come to meet me for lunch and the midday sun is just too irresistible to head back to the apartment.
“I love British summer! When we have good weather Britain is unbeatable!” Rafe is lying next to me and seems blissfully happy in the sun. Sophie is looking after the café today and Matthew has meetings in Birmingham, so I have my brother to myself all afternoon.
“Do you fancy a pint RoRo? This weather is calling me to a beer garden!”
“Yeah we can do, just a couple though. I’m going out tonight, remember?”
“Oh yeah, the ballet! Are you looking forward to it?”
“Yeah I guess. Things have been a bit weird since we got back from the Lakes but I’m sure a date night will do us the world of good,” I’m not really that sure, “both of us are being consumed by the fact that the birth could be any day now, and it’s taking its toll.”
“Rosie, are you sure you can do this? I mean long term. You’re marrying Jackson, but are you going to be able to watch as he brings this child up with Sasha? I know you agreed to stand by him, but when he’s posing with her for photos on birthdays, graduations, weddings, and you’re standing in the wings watching, are you going to be able to deal with that? I love Jackson but you need to make sure you’ve thought about this long term.”
“Rafe I don’t know , I really don’t. My mind is just mush. I can’t think straight about any of it, all I know is that I need him and he needs me.”
“ And we need beer! Come on little sis.”
After a couple of drinks with Rafe I head back to the apartment on foot. I’m enjoying being fully mobile again and soaking up what’s left of the late afternoon sun. Navigating my way through the tourists making their way back to trains or hotels and the London workers finishing their busy days. The city is always busy on Saturdays but when the weather is as nice as it has been, it’s jam packed, people just don’t want to be indoors.
I notice the people all around me but I’m thinking about only one thing, can I really be a stepmother less than a year into my relationship?
I need to try and put Sasha and the baby out of my mind. For one thing, I have to get home and ready to go to the ballet and for another, I need to focus on my relationship with Jackson, he and I need to be ok for everything else to work.
“Wow! You look absolutely breath-taking!” Jackson is leaning against the doorframe in his dark blue fitted suit, watching as I put