Free Bittersweet Hate by J. L. Beck

My nostrils flare, anger surging through my veins.
    “Do you have a death wish? Don’t make me feel fucking guilty. I’m grateful for your help. However, I won’t be very happy with myself if I find out I told you about Kennedy and then you went and fucked her five ways to Sunday. She’s a good girl with a good head on her shoulders. God knows she doesn’t need to get wrapped up in you.” I let out a breath. “You don’t love girls Ryder; you break them and beat them down. You use them, and she doesn’t deserve to be used.”
    His breath stalls as he stalks over to me, his height blocking out the light from the door. “Kennedy…” He says it as if he’s just testing out how her name sounds on his tongue. “Kennedy… has nothing to worry about. She’s too good for me, of that I know.” A tiny look of anguish, a heartbreaking look of pain encompasses his face and is then gone. He steps back turning on the ball of his feet, leaving me in the very room I ran into.
    I feel like letting a tiger eat me, or even letting the floor swallow me whole. I hate that I hurt Ryder, I hate that I made him feel like he’s not good enough. Guilt washes over me, he’s heartbroken and I don’t understand why. He saved my life and I don’t know why. He’s misunderstood and I don’t know why. For the first time in a long time, I’m left feeling like a jackass.
     

Friends with Benefits
     
    “Hey , are you okay?” Corey asks, as he walks into my room. I can’t help but drag my gaze up his body, stopping in all the perfect spots.
    “Yeah, I’m fine.” I look back to my sex ed book, it’s not like I don’t know about the bird and bees. Hello, I think I’ve been well introduced to them.
    “No, I mean are you really okay?” I look back up at him, letting out a deep sigh as he sits on the edge of my bed making me feel smaller than I really am.
    Why must everyone insist on asking me twenty time s a day if I’m okay? Three days ago; no, I wasn’t fucking okay. Now? Well, I was better than I previously had been and that was all that mattered.
    “Corey, I’m okay. Really I am.” I say offering him a sincere smile. He hasn’t touched me since the incident, and I can see the hunger just underneath the surface. He knows he needs to take his time with me. Slow is the key, It’s not that I think there’s something wrong with me it’s just that sometimes I have flash backs, little touches and small things can set me off real easy.
    “I just wanted to make sure my girl was okay, I didn’t know if you would be up for a triple date.” His hand caresses mine; his touch is gentle and warm. He smells like man and spice and I just want to take a huge bite out of him. I bite my lip instead stopping myself before I do something crazy.
    “Hey , did you hear me?” He demands, his hand grazing against my chin, lifting it up so I’m looking at him.
    “Oh uhhh… yeah” act normal Mimi; act as if you haven’t been caught. Don’t lead yourself into a corner. Don’t do it…. Oh no but he’s biting that lip, and I’ve tasted…
    “ Do you want to go?” There he goes again asking questions when my mind and body aren’t in the same place. What did he ask again?
    “Sure .” it was something about a date. Which by me is fine, Jenna and Rex need to get out more anyway. All they do is attend classes and spend time together.
    “Okay, good. Ryder is bring a date with him tonight.” I can’t help the look on my face once I registered what he’s said.
    “Come again?” I blurt out. He smiles at me, as if he’s just as surprised.
    “Yeah I know, he says it’s not a date that they are just ‘friends’, but Ryder being just friends with anyone let alone a girl is out of character.” More like out of space, I didn’t even know he knew how to do anything other than stick his dick in them. Then again I didn’t know Corey was capable of love either.
    “Yeah so who’s the girl?” I’m down right curious now as to whom