Free Summer Loving by Nicola Yeager

you.’
    ‘Thank you.’
    ‘You’re welcome. What – what are you doing here?’
    ‘Holiday.’
    ‘Ah. It’s…yeah. It’s the summer.’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘That’s why it’s so warm here.’
    ‘It’s, um, July.’
    God almighty. This conversation couldn’t get more stilted if it tried.
    ‘I’m going to have to stand up now,’ he says, ‘My legs are starting to hurt from squatting down like this.’
    ‘OK.’
    I feel sorry for him now. This must be so awkward. He looks like he’s in shock and he looks really distressed. He composes himself and looks at his watch.
    ‘So shall we get out there and spank a few waves?’
    It’s no good. I just start sobbing again. I’m useless.

 
     
    Six
     
    I’m in the surf school changing room, flicking through a row of shorty wetsuits. Kirstan looks at me, but doesn’t say anything; I think he’s still in the recovery phase, much like I am.
    ‘I’m sorry about that back then,’ I say, ‘I don’t know what came over me. I’m not usually like that. It must have been awful for you and your colleague. You must think I’m a complete idiot. I just didn’t – I just didn’t expect…’
    He smiles at me, but his eyes are sad.
    ‘Forget it. Must have been something like a panic attack, maybe. Happens to most women when they see me. In shops, bars, everywhere. Some have died of it. Was it my sunglasses? They’re pretty expensive. Oakley Radar Path. The chicks love them.’
    He knows damn well what just happened. He’s just trying to make light of it to cheer me up.
    After my reception area faux pas, when I had recovered enough to get up and speak normally again without bursting into tears, I excused myself and went up to my room to freshen up. I didn’t want to look completely stupid, even though it was definitely getting to that stage.
    I was still determined to have a surfing lesson. Running away would make me look so, so pathetic and would probably traumatise me for the rest of the holiday.
    After what had just happened, I definitely didn’t want to bump into Estelle and spend the rest of the day with her. That would have just been much too much. ‘Are you alright, babe? Has anything happened? You look a bit pale.’
    I’m fine. It was just a shock. These things happen. All I needed was half an hour to compose myself. I can handle this. I’m a grown-up. I can cope. I’m good. I won’t let it touch me. Keep it together, Sask.
    I had a shower and got into my spare swimsuit. I put a white cotton blouse over it and slipped into a dark red gingham skirt. I took a look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I felt a bit strange about Kirstan seeing that I’d become a blonde. Ashamed wasn’t the right word, but it was somewhere in that region. I felt I’d sold out, in some way, you know?
    I moved from left to right, watching my reflection carefully. There was nothing wrong about my having had a boob job, nothing at all, but a part of me didn’t want Kirstan to know. God knows what he’d think. I wondered if I could get away with it. I was nineteen, for god’s sake. It was eight years ago. I could easily have put on a few pounds and they could all have gone to my chest. It was possible.
    I realise that I was admiring myself in the mirror in much the same way that I would if I was going on a date. I still feel a little queasy. No. That’s the wrong word. I feel like I’m in pain. All those feelings I’d hidden away were threatening to make themselves known once more. That occasional stab in the heart is now a constant torment. I must be strong.
    Back in the changing room, I can hear Kirstan talking in a low voice on his mobile. Something he’s ordered that hasn’t turned up. When he’s finished, I try to get his opinion on what I’m going to wear. It’s difficult. I really have to force myself to speak to him. I feel light-headed and dizzy.
    ‘Do you think this one will fit me?’
    I hold out a thin black wetsuit with fluorescent pink stripes all over