Free Inbox Full of Crazy by Chris-Rachael Oseland

uneducated yet enlightened I love to fight but don't I believe in violence I work in sales but believe I in honesty I'm a total dreamer yet completely pragmatic And Carmen Santiago is a sexy bitch (referring to the pic in
your ad) (no offense intended, I meant that in a good way)
    ~*~
    I like animals, but eat meat. Don't smoke, but love the smell of burnt
nicotine. Cook with beer, but can't drink it. I am a man, but tear up like a
girl when a fictional character dies in a movie.
    ~*~
    Hey lady. So now that I've violated my own morals and joined an online dating site, I figured now would be a good
time to try and woo you. I promise nothing but pictures of tiffany diamonds and
lots of e-roses. Now don't get too excited, I mean I know your head over heals
in-love with idea. There’s the extent of my witty streak for the night. So
yeah, how do you end these things? A simple, Hmu, Facebook style? Nah we'll go
with the classy, ttyl
    ~*~
    If you were cat you'd be in big trouble right now! so i said to myself this online thing is so delicate...within 2 lines of the conversation you can surmise
that someone is either extremely cool and fun or make you want to delete you account and run for the ocean.

so total we have 4 lines to decide if the ocean is worth running for...ill start...hi =)
    ~*~
    I'm better than these other dudes, I'm incredibly funny and fun as fuck to be
around. You have gorgeous eyes, and your body is sexy as fuck. I'm definitely
interested in talking with you. Get back to me, look forward to talking to you
    ~*~
    You seem pretty interesting and fairly fun. I like that you have standards and
can't say that that isn't the reason I find you attractive. I have many
passions in life and enjoy the finer things, and you seem to be that type of
person to. You also seem to be pretty straightforward and honest which is rare
to find on a site like this. Anyways, don't be intimidated, I look forward to hearing back from you!
    ~*~
    I read your profile and noticed something that I can't say about many girls on
this website, you actually have a personality. Strike that and I'll take it one
step further, you actually have a pulse. I've read vanilla profile after white bread profile on this website and came to
believe I was dealing mostly with robots. And nobody wants to date a robot,
they are made of metal and have claws

The Good Ones: Responses to my "Evil
Lair" Challenge
     
    Ladies and Gentlemen, I
humbly present the following first contact emails as evidence that there are
great people online. I mean it. Over the years, plenty of men and women have
dissected my assorted dating ads only to come to the conclusion my geekiness
brings out the batshittery in men. How else could I get so many good Christian
men wanting to do such graphically unbiblical things to me?

Dating ads are easy to change, so in response to the
critiques, I toned it down. Out with the references to killing Sarah Connor and
in with references to cooking spicy food. Out with my fondness for all things
Joss Whedon and in with my love of kayaking. Out with any photos of me in
costume or showing too much cleavage and in with photos of me standing in front
of tourist spots.

I was rewarded with a massive spike in dick pics
accompanied by such tantalizing messages as, “ride it t-nite!!!!” They weren’t
even sexy penises. I mean seriously, guys, if you need one hand to fold the fat
hanging from your belly out of the way in order to snap a cellphone shot of
something that barely protrudes past your pubes, I guarantee there are no horny
chicks dying to ride that tonight. Give up on dick picks and go develop a
personality instead. Thank me when someday, a woman you charmed tells you she’s
always preferred them that size because they’re easier to blow.

Since my idea of fun doesn’t include acquiring herpes
from something the size of a broken crayon, I decided to go back to the nerdy
ads. The results were startling. Sure, there were a few well intentioned