Free Infraction by K. I. Lynn

me. You don’t really feel about me the same way I feel about you.”
    He stared at me for a moment, trying to form words for feelings. “I’m struggling with
     the realization of my feelings for you. What it means for you and for me. I never
     thought I’d fall in love again. Then I met you, and no matter how hard I pushed you
     away or how much I tried to not feel anything, it didn’t do any good. If I believed
     in fate, I would say I was destined to meet you; that I had to go through all this
     so I would understand you and see you.”
    I thought about it for a moment. The feeling I had was the same, like something tied
     us together. “It’s a force, but is it love?”
    “I loved Grace, very much, and I’m struggling with guilt over the fact I love another
     and you could mean more to me than she did. That I want you more. That this connection
     we have is greater. To be honest, it scares me, because I would be decimated if anything
     were to happen to you, especially if it was because of me. Every time I said I didn’t
     want you, it was me trying to convince myself.”
    “What about your nightmares?” I asked, finally having an arena to ask a long wondered
     upon thought.
    “My nightmares?” He paused and looked deep into my eyes. He was gauging me for something,
     but I couldn’t tell what. “They were about losing you, seeing you dead. The day of
     your accident, I saw one of my nightmares come to life.”
    My chest constricted, and I was on the verge of crying. “Why wouldn’t you tell me
     any of this before?”
    “Because I couldn’t admit it to myself, but your accident split me open and made me
     look…at you, at us, at the feelings I was trying to disown. The thought that I lost
     you…well, you saw.”
    “You’ve had a session with Dr. Morg… with Darren, haven’t you?”
    He nodded in response. “I refused to acknowledge how I felt about you. I thought if
     I didn’t admit it to myself, then it wasn’t true and you would be safe from them.
     That backfired and made you unsafe from me. Darren helped me to realize everything
     I kept closed off. I was angry at myself and the situation I created. You didn’t deserve
     to see that anger.” His hands fidgeted with the fabric of his shirt that lay over
     his heart. “I want to live again…with you. You’ve changed my world. I’m altered, no
     longer stuck in purgatory.”
    Tears welled in my eyes before they began to slide unbidden down my cheeks, hot and
     heavy. His hands moved to my face, thumbs gently wiping the small beads from my skin.
    "After seeing and hearing all this, do you still want me? Do you want to try, really
     try?"
    I thought about it; my mouth opened to say yes when something nagged at me. That voice
     I knew so well in my head. You’ll always be second best in his heart .   I sat back and slumped against the pillows.
    "No," I   replied in a whisper. I watched the hope drain from his face, his jaw clenched tight.
     Tears welled in his eyes, and I took his hand in mine. "I can't be a replacement.
     I won't be. You haven't had closure and until then…after all that has happened between
     us, I need to matter more than a memory. Not only that, I don’t know if I can let you back in. You hurt me more than
     anyone else has in my life.”
    He nodded. “I understand. A small part of me wants you to tell me to fuck off, because
     I’m afraid. I’ve only ever loved my wife; this is all new to me. I don’t want you
     to be hurt or killed because of me…because you’re with me. At the same time I don’t
     want to let you go, I won’t. I need you, so bad. It’s your decision to give it a try
     with me, to be in a real, healthy relationship. If I’m honest, that scares me almost
     as much, but I promise to work at getting better, and I won’t push you away anymore.”
    “How do I know I can trust all that?”
    “I’ve never made you any promises, because that would be confirmation of the feelings
     I