Free What is Real by Karen Rivers

last year. We wore uniforms, white shirts, blue striped ties, gray pants. Fucking uniforms. But that morning, I wandered into Feral’s room and he was shirtless, sitting backward on his desk chair, staring at his bed. There were these two white shirts laid out, like a maid would do, but we didn’t have a maid. Perfectly laid out. They looked like the same goddamn shirt. Feral was twitching his leg up and down, jittering.
    â€œAre you gonna get dressed or go to school naked?” I said.
    â€œI can’t decide,” he said. “I can’t decide.” He kept saying it, staring at those shirts.
    â€œIt’s the same shirt, F,” I said. “Who cares?”
    â€œThey aren’t the same,” he said. He spun around on his chair and his face was furious, like I didn’t understand anything. “They aren’t the same.” He tapped his foot. His hair flopped into his face. “They aren’t the same,” he repeated.
    â€œWhatever,” I said. I picked one up and threw it at him. “Try this one, and hurry up, asshole, or we ’ll be late.”
    He tensed; I thought he was going to hit me. There was something about the way he was looking at me, at the shirt, that I didn’t understand. Feral was so…Feral. He was the one everyone followed, the one everyone wanted to be. Something was wrong and I didn’t know what to do. The shirts were the same. The fucking same .
    I walked out of the room. That’s how I helped him. I turned my back, walked away. Aren’t I a champ?
    Tanis tapped me on the shoulder and I jumped about a mile. “What?” I said.
    â€œYou were sleeping,” she said. “Or daydreaming.”
    â€œNo, I wasn’t,” I said. Right away, flash point. I was angry at her for no reason. At least, no reason that was her fault. “Fuck off,” I said. The cafeteria was too loud and bright. It was hurting my ears, my eyes, my brain.
    I could see the hurt flash across her face, and then she shrugged. That’s Tanis. It’s like you can penetrate her wall, but just as quickly, she puts up her shields.
    â€œSorry,” I said.
    â€œWhatever,” she said. “Be an asshole.” She stuck out her tongue.
    â€œI said sorry,” I said.
    â€œYeah, well, wish you didn’t have to,” she said. She turned back to Kate and whispered something in her ear. Girls whispering. I hate that shit. Kate looked at me and smirked, and I wanted to throw my tray in her face, but I didn’t.
    I didn’t.
    I made myself smile. Teeth. Eyes. Look at me, I’m smiling, I thought. I’m not a bad guy. It’s just me, Dex.
    I’m okay.
    â€œHey,” I said to Tanis. “Want to come over later?”
    She shrugged. “Maybe,” she said. “I hate that place. Maybe we could go somewhere else.”
    â€œCan’t,” I said. “Gotta be there for Dad.”
    â€œI guess,” she sighed. “Let’s go, Kate.” They pushed back their chairs and left without a backward glance.
    â€œYo,” I said to T-dot. “There they go.”
    â€œYeah,” he said. “It’s time to go, Dex. Bell went.”
    â€œOh,” I said. I didn’t hear it. I’m underwater and my ears are full.
    Something is wrong with me. My nerve endings are all exposed to the air and breezes hurt and my eyes want to close and I want there to be water closing in over me.
    I texted Tanis, What’s up with Kate and T?
    She didn’t answer. I kept staring at my phone, waiting. Wasn’t she supposed to tell me everything? Isn’t that what girls do? T-dot drummed the table with his hands. Crumbs flew around on it like hopping fleas. I watched the crumbs. Drum, drum . “Gotta fly, dude,” he said, darting away. The crumbs settled. I still couldn’t move.

    I should have known about T-dot and Kate. It should have been obvious. The way she looked at him.