Free Barefoot Dogs by Antonio Ruiz-Camacho

we’ve been hearing. She actually brought it up. She said she hears them too because our kitchen and hers share the same wall. She said she was pretty sure the rats were on our side. She said they’ve tried everything, but that they always come back.”
    “I guess we’ll be eating Chipotle for a while then.”
    “She suggested that we get some special traps, and something else; something supercreepy .”
    “What did she say?”
    “She said we need to get a good snap trap and use blue cheese as bait. She said, ‘Those little guys love the good stuff.’ She said the trap would catch the rat by its head and hopefully kill it instantly. Then, she advised, ‘Release it from the trap and stab it in the belly with a meat fork, but do it good , two or three times if you can, my dear, as if you were going mad all over it, and then leave the little guy there, with the meat fork in its belly and everything. Don’t move it, don’t clean any of the mess. It won’t look pretty, my dear, let me tell you. It’ll startsmelling funny after a couple days, and you’ll want to get rid of it, but you’ll have to hang in there, you’ve got to leave it there ,’ she said. You should’ve seen her face, Homero, all calm and sweet and yet talking like she was in fucking Kill Bill or something. I couldn’t believe my ears, I was getting sick, I couldn’t move. I wasn’t even sure the whole fucking thing was real, if it wasn’t my fried brain getting all worked up.”
    “That’s a possibility, but anyway. What else did she say? Supposedly .”
    “She said, ‘One day, you’ll come to the kitchen and find out the little guy’s body is gone. Perhaps you’ll find the meat fork tossed aside, or you won’t. But it’ll have disappeared. Don’t ask me to explain how it happens, my dear, because I can’t. I can only tell you it works . After that you won’t hear more noises for a couple months.”
    “That wasn’t an old lady. That was a fucking ninja .”
    “Swear to God I’m not making it up, Homero. After that she jotted down the brand of traps on a scrap of paper and handed it to me. Here. Look.”
    “That’s awesome. Anyway, I’m not setting up any fucking Tomcat snap trap or stabbing anything any time soon.”
    “That’s what I told her.”
    “And what did she say?”
    “She whispered, as if we were part of some plot, ‘I know that the idea of harming those little guys sounds revolting, my dear. It was hard for me to bring myself to do it the first time. I mean, me killing a poor creature! I donate to PETA! I’m against animal testing! Dogfighting! Bullfighting! Starbucks! Republicans! But I had no choice. It was either me or them. If one of those fellas gets its way with you, you’ll be in trouble. They are rabid and heartless, to say the least. Take my advice,my dear. You don’t want to end up in some lousy ER in Lower Manhattan just because you took mercy on one of those nasty creatures, especially in your situation , do you?’ ”
    “What did she mean by that?”
    “Who the hell knows!”
    “Didn’t you ask?”
    “How could I? I was speechless, Homero! I was just trying to grasp the whole fucking thing!”
    • • •
    “How did you like the tacos?”
    “They were disgusting. But I guess I’d better get used to them.”
    “I know. Food sucks. Here , of all places.”
    “Mom called while you were out, by the way.”
    “Really?”
    “No, not really. I just made it up for fucking shit’s sake. Look at the phone.”
    “What did she say?”
    “That she’s been checking out the credit card, and that you’ve got to stop.”
    “Yeah, right.”
    “Not kidding you, dude. She said we need to start being cautious with money ’cause she didn’t know how much longer we’d need to stay here. That’s the word she used. Cautious .”
    “That’s nonsense. Why would she say that?”
    “’Cause the shit hit the fan big-time? I told you, chimp. She said she and Dad are coming over, probably as