Free Beating Around the Bush by Art Buchwald

people to think he encourages promiscuity.”
    “The president is tough on the World Health Organization when it comes to family planning and condom use for AIDS prevention. U.S. delegates at an international conference in Bangkok even requested the deletion of a recommendation for ‘consistent condom use’ to combat HIV and sexually transmitted diseases.
    “Why is the conservative Right so dead set against condoms?”
    “Because it’s a religion with them. Using any contraceptive to
prevent babies is a sin. The president is much too busy to think about contraceptives. He’ll leave that to his FDA adviser, W. David Hager, who leads the antiabortion faction in the administration.”
    “Will the military in the Middle East be issued prophylactics to protect themselves?”
    “No, they are not there to make love, they’re there to make war.”

Bumper Stickers
    THE LATEST WAY TO PROTEST the war is by e-mail. The advantages are that you don’t have to go out into the cold, you won’t go hoarse yelling, and you don’t have to lie on the sidewalk. When you protest the White House by e-mail, you don’t have to get a permit.
    E-mail can also be used for counter-protests, which the president can read out loud when he is giving a speech.
    Here are some samples of protest by computer:
    “Hell no, we won’t go!”
    “How many people do you have to kill in Iraq to save it?”
    “I didn’t vote for you, cowboy.”
    “Go back to Crawford in 2004.”
    Here are some pro-war e-mails:
    “Right on, Mr. Bush! We didn’t elect Martin Sheen president of the United States.”
    “Saddam Hussein should be six feet under.”
    “We are fighting for freedom of speech, except for the left-wing liberal traitors, who have no right to inflict their sicky views on the rest of us.”

    “We’ll stay in Iraq until Hell freezes over.”
    “Right-to-Life people support Bush’s promise to destroy Baghdad.”
    And so it goes. You can no longer have a debate without e-mail.
    Congressmen avoid reading their e-mail at their own peril.
    Even the media get e-mails, but they don’t pay any attention to them.
    Besides e-mail, another form of protest is the automobile bumper sticker. Here are some of the latest ones:
    MAKE WAR NOT LOVE
    IT’S THE WHITE HOUSE, STUPID
    MICHAEL JACKSON DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE FACE
    HONK IF YOU THINK THE PRESIDENT IS DOING THE RIGHT THING
    HONK IF YOU THINK THE PRESIDENT IS DOING THE WRONG THING
    HONK IF YOU HAVE NO OPINION
    OSAMA BIN LADEN, PLEASE CALL YOUR MOTHER
    WE NEED SMART BOMBS—NOT SMART CHILDREN
    DON’T PASS ME—I LEAN TOWARDS THE LEFT
    MY DAUGHTER GOES TO THE AIR FORCE ACADEMY
    IF YOU HAVE TO ASK HOW MUCH THE WAR IN IRAQ WILL COST . . . YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT
    WILL THE REAL SADDAM HUSSEIN PLEASE STAND UP?
    TURKEY IS NOT CHOPPED LIVER
    HANS BLIX, DID YOU LOOK IN SADDAM’S MUD ROOM?
    I’M FOR THE U.N. UNLESS IT VOTES AGAINST AMERICA
    DRIVE CAREFULLY—VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY IS IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR
    MY SUV USES MORE GAS THAN YOUR SUV
    EVERY TIME I PAY MY TAXES, SOMETHING IN ME DIES

    I AM A RIGHT-TO-LIFE PERSON, EXCEPT WHEN I ACQUIRE ROAD RAGE
    WHY ARE YOU STARING AT MY BUMPER STICKER?

Weapons of Mass Destruction
    THE WHITE HOUSE was getting nervous. It had told the American people that it was invading Iraq to destroy its weapons of mass destruction.
    The Americans didn’t find any, so they called in “Spike” Valley, the CIA’s expert on mass destruction, to give the president and his staff an up-to-date briefing.
    Everyone gathered in the war room. Valley set up his map and began.
    “Gentlemen, this is a map of the world. This is the Middle East. Iraq is here, Afghanistan is here, this is China, and next to it is North Korea. The countries that have nuclear weapons and chemical weapons are in yellow on the map, except for Iraq, which appears in blazing red. The countries that support us are in pink, and the ones in green have refused to back us in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Now I’ll give you a