Free Night Sky by Jolene Perry

the casino office. This way, I’ll
be able to have regular hours again.”
    “Mom.” I put my arm around her. I don’t want
her in business mode, not yet.
    “I just thought it would be easier, if my
schedule was more normal.” She sniffs once.
    “Your schedule is normal… for us.” A
weight settles on my shoulders, pulling me down. I need to take
care of Mom.
    And then I feel it. She
shakes. It’s the sound of her heart breaking because of my asshole
father. It takes all my strength to just sit still. I don’t want to
feel helpless…but I do feel helpless. I don’t know how to take care
of Mom. Maybe she doesn’t need taking care of. My fists clench
together. Dad is gone . Gone. My head won’t stop
spinning.
    “I’m going to go inside and take a long, hot
bath.” She shrugs away from my arm and stands up.
    “What can I do?” I need to do
something…anything.
    “Swim your laps. Spend time with your new
girlfriend. Just keep living, Jameson.” Her voice sounds so
tired.
    “I want to do more.” I’ll go crazy if she
doesn’t give me something to do…some way I can help.
    “Well, I’m afraid there’s nothing either of
us can do,” she says, before walking in the house.
    Shit…is there really nothing I can do?
    I wish our pool were
bigger. But I jump in anyway, ready to relieve some of the stress
and try to get my head together. I pull myself through the water
with my arms, and push with my legs. This is different than what
happened with Sarah, but it’s still a rejection—another person who
doesn’t want Jameson. My Dad left without even bothering to talk to
me. Is that how little he cares about
me?
    When I don’t think I can
swim another stroke, I sink to the bottom of the pool. It makes Mom
freak out, but relaxes me. I look around at the blue floor, the
blue walls, and I know I need to talk to my dad. I’ll call him as
soon as I go back inside. But first, I’m
going to sit…down here…where it’s quiet.
    ***
    “So, your mom’s gone?” Dad asks, walking
into the living room. He looks around like he’s afraid she’ll
appear at any moment.
    It really pisses me off.
“What the hell?” I stand up, immediately defensive. “You’ve been
married for almost twenty years, Dad! Don’t call her my mom, she’s your wife!”
    “We’re not going to get anywhere like this,
Jameson.” He’s using his calm voice. The one he uses when dealing
with drunk gamblers. Now he’s using it on me. That must mean I’m
being unreasonable because, he’d probably never admit to being in
the wrong.
    “I don’t give a shit! You don’t just walk
out on your family!” Every muscle in my body is
ready…tight…waiting.
    Dad sighs and leans against the counter
rubbing his forehead with his hand. “I didn’t mean for this to
happen…”
    I keep my voice quiet this
time. Maybe that will get his attention. “Bullshit, Dad. One thing I know
is—everyone has impulses, but you don’t have to act on them. At
some point, you make a decision and that decision means you meant to do something.
Don’t give me any crap about not meaning to do things.” I can’t
believe how angry I am, but it sure beats feeling helpless about
what to do for Mom.
    “I never wanted to hurt anybody, Jameson.”
He’s shaking his head—like such a simple statement is supposed to
make it all go away.
    “What the hell’s that
supposed to mean?” So much for volume
control and maturity… My heart’s pumping
hard, and my brain’s all scrambled. The only thing I hear is my
dad—not admitting what we both know to be true. He screwed up. I
just want him to say it. I need him to say it.
    “It means I’m in love with
two women and no matter what I do right now, someone’s going to get
hurt.” How can he be so calm? How can he
love someone other than Mom? What happened to him?
    “Someone! Name one person in this
situation who you didn’t hurt already, Dad. Name one.” He made the
choice that put us all in this shitty