Free Madonna and the Starship (9781616961220) by James Morrow

see, Wulawand, you won’t be needing this after all.”
    â€œNot so fast, O Kurt Jastrow! How do we know that what you say is true?”
    â€œWould Uncle Wonder tell a lie?”
    A vertical grimace claimed Wulawand’s face, and her invertebrate body assumed a skeptical pose. “Harken to our terms. On Sunday morning, in deference to your assertion concerning Not By Bread Alone , Volavont and I shall tune in the broadcast on some TV or other, while our navigator monitors the show from our spaceship. If ‘Sitting Shivah’ indeed proves satiric, we shall contact Yaxquid at ten minutes after ten as planned.” Again the crustacean flashed her ocarina. “Our message will be simple: we were mistaken about the irrationality cult—deactivate the X-13.”
    â€œBut if the program is in fact purveying metaphysical drivel, Wulawand will order Yaxquid to call down the death-ray,” said Volavont. “Fair enough?”
    â€œFair enough,” I said, raging internally.
    â€œOf course, we must avoid getting skewered by our own brochette.” Wulawand crept toward the steamer trunk and yanked the gold cloth from my award. “After Volavont and I suspend this impervious veil in front of the picture tube, we shall be able to watch the program without misadventure.”
    â€œSuch precautions won’t be necessary,” I insisted. “Last year Not By Bread Alone won the Voltaire Award for Theological Impertinence.”
    â€œI can hardly wait to see the icons melt,” said Volavont.
    He wouldn’t have to wait long. Connie and I had only forty hours to write, cast, and rehearse the new teleplay.
    â€œAs the ‘Sitting Shivah’ production evolves, some characters will be dropped altogether while new parts are added for other NBC actors,” I said. “Brock Barton and his crew sometimes make guest appearances on Not By Bread Alone .”
    â€œThey do?” muttered Connie.
    â€œThe final version will be as impious as a turd in a baptismal font,” I promised the lobsters.
    â€œSacrilege on stilts,” added Connie, wincing. She wasn’t going to enjoy turning her elegant teleplay into a farce, not one little bit. “A jamboree of blasphemy. A circus of irreverence.”
    â€œI love circuses,” said Volavont. “By the way, I’m famished.”
    â€œMyself as well,” said Wulawand, tucking the ray-proof cloth into her carapace. “Let us now patronize three or four of those swank restaurants for which Manhattan is famous.”
    The thought of spending the evening explaining trench-coated crustaceans to maître d’s and Diners Club members filled me with apprehension. “You know what you two really need?” I said. “A home-cooked meal, that’s what.” Although the cuisine at 378 Bleecker Street, apartment 4R, was spartan, I always kept my favorite prepackaged food on hand. “Once you get a taste of Kraft macaroni and cheese, you’ll want to take tons of it back with you.”
    â€œIt appears that we are all friends again,” said Wulawand.
    â€œO Kurt Jastrow, I wish we could give you a Zorningorg Prize every day of the year,” said Volavont.
    I marched up to the Motorola and flipped off the tube, sending Howdy Doody into oblivion.

3.
    COFFEE WITH CHRIST
    AT CHOCK FULL O' NUTS
    onnie and I agreed that, as a first step in foiling the Qualimosans, I should secretly contact my roommates and prepare them for two guests whose resemblance to immense blue bipedal lobsters was best accorded an extraterrestrial interpretation. A Rexall drugstore on 54th Street supplied the necessary pay telephone. Connie contributed the nickel. Lenny answered on the first ring. Probably owing to his bohemian sensibility, he greeted my narrative of alien invasion with minimal skepticism, and he seemed to accept the logic of my argument: only a last-minute Not By Bread Alone rewrite could save two