Free Why Me? by Neil Forsyth

than a decent set of twinkly eyes. Wogan built a career on it and he wasn’t the only one: look at the Queen Mum, Des Lynam or Fatima Whitbread. But I won’t be pulling in any big guns like that. I want to find fresh meat, local talent from the streets of Dundee. I’m going to trawl through the bars with Frank and his disposable camera and find some top-level twinklers, then stick their mugs in the magazine and get it out there.
    Now, I know what your worry might be here, Peter. You’re probably wondering if this is jazz mag territory. Well I can assure you right now, with my hand on my liver, that it is nothing of the sort. Look Peter, I’m not naive. I know that for a certain type of weirdo a nice set of twinklers might be right up their street in a jazz mag sense but you can’t blame me for that. I’m selling them the bullets, I’m not asking them to fire their guns.
    Bob
    ----------------
    From: Peter Smith
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: This is OK
    Bob,
    This is quite confusing but you are saying you will start a magazine with the loan? This is OK. All is OK, just send the information.
    Peter Smith
    Financial Services
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Peter Smith
    Subject: We’re talking ten
    Peter,
    Thanks for giving Twinklers the nod. I have set things in motion over here. I just went and chanced my arm with Inky Edwards. Inky, as you may be aware, has the big newsagents on the Dundee Road, and what that guy doesn’t know about the magazine game isn’t worth knowing.
    Inky was good enough to give me a few minutes and I told him all about Twinklers and the hopes that you and I have for it. I’ll put you out your misery straight away, Peter: Inky loved it. He reckons he’s good for ten copies and we could sell them for a fiver each. So that’s £50 coming in as sales so, by my calculations, we should therefore spend about £10,000 on putting the magazine together.
    So I hereby request £10,000 from you Peter. That’s right, ten large. Ten bags of sand.
    Bob
    Editor
    Twinklers Magazine
    ----------------
    From: Peter Smith
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Approved
    Bob,
    I have good news, your application for £10,000 has been fully approved by the board. We think that this magazine will be a success and we trust you and believe your character is good.
    Therefore we need just the application in full,
    Thank you and congratulations on your loan.
    Peter Smith
    Financial Services
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Peter Smith
    Subject: Slogan
    Peter,
    I’m getting on with the form. A quick one in the meantime, how about this for a slogan for the mag:
    Twinklers: Putting A Twinkle in Your Day and a Winkle in Your Way!
    Thoughts?
    Bob
    ----------------
    From: Peter Smith
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Fine
    Bob,
    That is a good idea it will help get attention. We are impressed with you Bob and the loan is yours as soon as we have the form.
    Peter
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Peter Smith
    Subject: It’s not really working for me
    Pedro,
    I’ve had a good look at the slogan you suggested. To be honest, I can’t quite follow what you’re getting at. What do you actually mean by ‘a Winkle in Your Way’? Maybe I’m missing the joke but to me it sounds like gibberish?
    Bob
    ----------------
    From: Peter Smith
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: That was you not me
    Bob,
    I never suggested this saying it was you do not remember? I did not think it was sense either but did not say from respect for you. Now Bob where is the form?
    Peter
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Peter Smith
    Subject: Early Contenders
    Peter,
    Phew, I’m glad you agree we need to scrap your slogan. That could have been a really awkward one and really it’s a ‘well done’ to you for holding your hands up and admitting you’d sold me a pup. I’m going to stick with Twinklers: Putting a Twinkle in Your Day!
    Now, Peter. Frank and