Free Surviving Regret by Megan Smith

and I can’t have that. I’m barely breathing on my own right now.
    I take a few deep breaths pushing the memories away. I put one foot in front of the other and remind myself that I’m still living for a reason and Steven would want me to keep living. Keep pushing forward when all I want to do is crumble.
    Landon is waiting for me just around the corner.
    “Hey,” he greets me.
    “Hey,” I look around wondering if he noticed Alexa walk past him but if he has he’s not letting on about it.
    Landon nods his head in the direction of the doors, “You ready?”
    “Yeah, let’s go.”
    As we continue down the hall I see Cash walking toward us with Saylor right alongside him. My palms start to sweat a little because it’s always a little awkward when Landon and Cash are near each other.
    The past few minutes were hard and I can’t handle much more so soon.
    God, let me hold my shit together long enough to get through this awkwardness.
    Cash winks and high fives me as he passes. I laugh nervously as Landon mumbles something beside me. Cash did that as a dig to Landon but I also know that he can’t ignore me and never will. He doesn’t care that Landon was there beside me.
    I pray every night that Cash and Landon will start talking again one day. But with every day, every month, every year that passes it just makes the chances of them mending things that much harder. I love them both and I need them in my life one way or another.
    Landon and I walk side-by-side silently to our classes. I don’t know what to say so I say nothing. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to stop talking to Cash just because they don’t talk anymore. We aren’t in grade school. Landon talks to Madison and he knows how I feel about that but I don’t say a word. I have every right not wanting him talking to her since he almost had sex with her on our damn prom night. That night was supposed to be ours. I squeeze my eyes shut for a second in annoyance at myself for allowing—hell, for forgiving—him. Landon did cheat on me with my sister in some ways. I let him get away with it. I turned a blind eye because he’s all I have left of my old life. The life I want back. He’s my other half whether he sees it or not. I don’t try to run his life and tell him he can’t talk to my sister and he isn’t going to tell me I can’t talk to Cash.
    We stop in front of the door to the lecture hall where my next class is. I want to say something to Landon but what do I say? I’m sorry I talked to Cash? I’m sorry you hate it? I’m sorry you went to my sister when we were all suffering in one way or another? Yeah, no, I’m not apologizing for that.
    Landon leans forward and barely brushes his lips against my forehead before turning in the other direction heading toward his class. That stings but I brush it off because I have to. What choice do I have? This is the road I choose and I have to deal with all the bumps along the way.
    My life is exhausting. I feel like I go to battle every day and some days I wish I had the balls to just say fuck it all and move on. But I can’t. I don’t know how to move on without them in my life. Losing what little we are all holding onto is not a sacrifice I’m willing to make…so I deal, I fucking deal the only way I know how, just like Alexa does with her avoidance of us all, just like Cash does by his devotion to my sister, just like Madison does with her fucked up existence and her drug use, and just like Landon does with the walls he erects to keep those who love him at arm’s length and his need to erase the pain.
     
    September 28, 2013
     
    “Does this look okay?” Heather, my roommate for the last three years, asks.
    Heather can pull off any look she tries. She has the perfect complexion, something I wish I had. She can wear bright colors and look like she spent all day tanning. She can wear dark clothes and not look washed out. She walks out in a pair of black, skinny jeans that are ripped