Free I Have a Bad Feeling About This by Jeff Strand

poky part.” Henry grabbed the branch and tugged a few times. It wouldn’t come free.
    â€œDude, are you trying to pull off the branch or are you trying to milk it?”
    â€œWhat’s wrong with the way I’m doing it?”
    â€œYou have to pull down or twist it or use your foot. You really don’t know how to pull off a branch? Even by my standards that’s lame.”
    Henry had to admit that for somebody who was sixteen years old instead of three, it was a pretty feeble effort. But why should he know how to debranch a tree? He lived in a world where wood was conveniently cut for you. He had his own set of skills. After all, how many lumberjacks could…?
    After a moment of thought, he realized that he didn’t really have any skills that were out of reach for a lumberjack.
    He yanked the branch again, pulling downward. This was an improvement in that the branch felt more likely to come off than his arms did, but it still wasn’t all that productive. He worked at it for a few more moments. The branch didn’t come loose. He couldn’t help but feel that he wasn’t dominating the camp to quite the extent that he’d intended.
    Randy pressed his foot against a branch and kicked down a few times until the branch came off the tree.
    Henry pressed his foot against a branch and kicked down a few times until the branch remained exactly where it was.
    Randy must’ve been working on a thinner branch or he had heavier shoes. Henry continued to kick. He almost jumped up onto it, but knew that would not end well.
    â€œGosh darn it all to heck,” he said, approximately.
    He was getting mad, but that was good because he needed adrenaline. In fact, he tried to think angry thoughts, like “Evil exists in the world” or “Nobody makes good chimpanzee movies anymore.”
    Clearly, he had been unfortunate enough to pick the one tree in the forest made out of solid steel. He hoped that Max wasn’t watching him, but Henry knew deep in his heart that he was. Max was standing there, shaking his head sadly, wondering where humanity had gone wrong, wondering how evolution and/or creationism had come up with something like Henry.
    The madder Henry got, the harder he tried, and the exact amount the branch continued not to come off the tree. Henry’s was not a life devoid of embarrassment and this probably wasn’t even Henry Lambert: His Top Ten Biggest Moments of Shame material, but still, he needed this to stop.
    â€œAs team captain, I’ve decided to delegate,” he told Randy. “Your job is to keep breaking off the branches because I’m less awesome at it than you are. My job is to find us a good tree to use for the shelter.”
    Randy pointed at a large tree. “That one’s perfect.”
    â€œThere might be better ones.”
    â€œYou don’t know a good lean-to tree from a bad lean-to tree.”
    â€œActually…do you even use a tree for a lean-to shelter? I think I’m finally picturing one. The branches aren’t leaning against a tree.”
    Randy’s face fell. “You’re right. And we’re going to need bigger branches.”
    Henry successfully kept his wail of eternal torment on the inside. “Okay,” he said, though the word sounded more like “aacchk.”
    â€œDo you want to go see what Erik and Stu are doing?”
    Was ripping off other people’s ideas okay in a survival situation? Henry started to nod but changed his head movement to side-to-side shaking instead. “If we’re going to win, I want to win fairly. And if we’re going to lose, at least we lost with dignity.”
    â€œWhat dignity?” Randy asked. “There’s no dignity here.”
    â€œI mean the dignity of not having cheated. Maybe that’s too strong of a word. Anyway, I’m going to look for a—”
    Henry did not have anything specific in mind that he was going to look