Free The stupidest angel: a heartwarming tale of Christmas terror by Christopher Moore

witnessing the murder of Santa, and then that strange blond guy showing up. But if Theo already knew about the blond guy… "So, so, you saw him glow?"

    "Glow? Shit!" Theo stood up and spun around as if he'd been hit in the forehead with a paintball. "He glowed, too? Shit!" The tall man was moving like a grasshopper locked in a running microwave. Not that Josh would know what that was like, because that would be a cruel thing to do and he would never do something like that, but, you know, someone told him about it once.

    "So he glowed?" Theo asked, like he was trying to get this straight.

    "No, I didn't mean that." Josh needed to back out of this. Theo was trippin'. He'd had enough of adults trippin' for one night. Soon his mom would come home to find a bunch of cops in her house and the trip to beat all trips would start. "I mean he was really mad. You know, like glowing mad."

    "That's not what you meant."

    "It isn't?"

    "He really glowed, didn't he?"

    "Well, not constantly. Like, for a little while. Then he just stared at me."

    "Why did he leave, Josh?"

    "He said he had what he needed now."

    "What was that? What did he take?"

    "I don't know." Josh was beginning to worry about the constable. He looked like he might hurl any second. "You're sure you want to go with the glowing thing, Constable Crowe? I could be wrong. I'm a kid. We make notoriously unreliable witnesses."

    "Where'd you hear that?"

    "CSI."

    "Those guys know everything."

    "They have the coolest stuff."

    "Yeah," said Theo wistfully.

    "You don't get to use cool cop stuff like that, huh?"

    "Nope." Theo was sounding really sad now.

    "But you shot a guy, right?" Josh said cheerfully, trying to raise Theo's spirits.

    "I was lying. I'm sorry, Josh. I'd better go. Your mom will be home soon. You just tell her everything. She'll look out for you. The deputies will stay with you until she gets here. See ya, kiddo." Theo ruffled his hair and started out of the kitchen.

    Josh didn't want to tell her. And he didn't want Theo to go. "There's something else."

    Theo turned and looked back at him. "Okay, Josh, I'll stick around- "

    "Someone killed Santa Claus tonight," Josh blurted out.

    "Childhood ends too soon, doesn't it, son?" Theo said, putting his hand on Josh's shoulder.

    If Josh had had a gun, he'd have shot him, but being an unarmed kid, he decided that of all of these adults, the goofy constable might just be the one who would believe what he had seen happen to Santa.
    * * *
    The two deputies had come into the house with Josh's mother, Emily Barker. Theo waited until she had hugged most of the breath out of her son, then reassured her that everything was okay and made a quick escape. As he came down the porch steps, he saw something yellow shining by the front tire of his Volvo. He looked back to make sure that neither of the deputies was looking out, then he crouched before the front tire and reached up into the wheel well and pulled out a hank of yellow hair that had caught in the black vinyl dent molding. He quickly shoved it into his shirt pocket and climbed into the car, feeling the hair throbbing against his chest like a living thing.
    * * *
    The Warrior Babe of the Outland admitted that she was powerless without her medication and that her life had become unmanageable. Molly checked off the step in Theo's little blue Narcotics Anonymous book.
    "Powerless," she muttered to herself, remembering the time when mutants had chained her to a rock in the den of the behemo-badger in Outland Steel: Kendra's Revenge. If not for the intervention of Selkirk, the rogue sand pirate, her entrails would even now be curing on the salt stalagmites of the badger's cave.

    "That would sting, huh?" said the Narrator.

    "Shut up, that didn't really happen." Did it? She remembered it like it did.

    The Narrator was a problem. The problem, really. If it had just been a little erratic behavior, she might have been able to wing it until the first of the month and