Free Every Last Breath by Jessica Gaffney Page A

felt confused. I didn’t know why he would do such a thing. The slightest move of the waterbed and he could cut my throat.”
    “You don’t seem angry about that. Why do you think that is?”
    Maggie knew that answer. “Because I wasn’t scared. I knew he wouldn’t do it. He was just playing around.”
    “How do you know that?”
    “Because it was just obvious. I was his girlfriend. Why would he want to hurt me?”
    “What did you do when he pulled that long knife to you? Do you remember that?”
    The memory was there, clear as day. “I remember looking out his window, trying to be brave.”
    “What did you do after that?”
    “I think I played tough.”
    “So you stayed in the relationship?”
    “Yes,”
    “Why did you do that?”
       “Because he was important to me.”
    “And your safety wasn’t?”
    “Well, obviously not. I know I wanted him, and I didn’t want the other girls to have him.”
    “What was it about him that you liked?”
    Maggie smiled. “He was very popular and extremely good looking. I felt important because he was mine.”
    “So is it safe to say you were driven by your fears rather than your desire to feel safe and accepted.”
    Her stomach twisted. Dr. Gibbons made her feel vulnerable, and it was not a comfortable feeling.
    “Maggie, what is your understanding of what we just covered?”
    She wondered why the doctor kept saying her name. Was she spacing out? They had talked about that. Maggie blinked hard, trying to regain focus. “I can see your point; Jack was not my first dance with danger.”
    “That’s good. But remember something; we are not here to uncover the why’s but your feelings. When you discover how you felt during these life or death situations then you will take a big step toward healing.”
    “But how are those buried feelings connected to healing? I don’t want to relieve what I came through. There has to be a better way.”
    “Maggie,” she leaned forward. “Your anxiety level and tolerance for stress is sky high. Your threshold for dealing with all of this has kept you on guard. You are very disconnected from your feelings, it’s part of the survival mode. I fear you’ve been in survival mode so long, that you have lost your ability to operate in any other capacity.”
    Her chest expanded as she listened to what the doctor said. “Are you saying that I will never be normal?”
    “What I am saying is that you don’t recognize normal. It’s a foreign matter.”
    She looked her in the eye. “And by identifying my feelings, or unburying them, then I will be normal?”
    “In a sense, yes. By feeling your feelings you get in touch with Maggie, not the survival mode which you’ve been in these past few years. When you uncover your feelings, the future is yours. You won’t have to worry about repeating this pattern. You will heal and recognize unhealthy people.”
    She questioned her again, “If I’m supposed to be healing, why am I having nightmares?”
    “Because Maggie, your feelings are the nightmare.”
     
     
     
     
     
    Vala sat up, ready to go outside. Maggie tied her robe around her waist and took the dog outside. The morning air had a bite to it, but the sun was peeking over the top of the mountain. What more could she ask for? The dog sniffed the air and walked to the edge of the driveway where she peed in one spot. She was different from other dogs. When most of them came by with their owners, Vala would stay up on the porch, leash or no leash. She was a good protector.
    The word brought up a strong association. Jack had used it previously when he started building a plan to protect his home from intruders. People in Cascade had firearms, some of them hung in the back of their truck up against the back. There was a lot of hunting in these parts and hunting accidents were common. Sometimes the sight of a gun evoked strong memories of Jack and his obsession with wanting guns. But his obsession went way passed extreme. Jack