Free Mind of My Mind by Octavia E. Butler

shielded against me," he said. "Open and let me see if there's anything I can
    do."
     
    I hadn't realized I was shielded at all. He had tried so hard to teach me to form my
    own shield, and I hadn't been able to do it. Apparently I had finally picked up the
    technique without even realizing it—picked it up when I couldn't stand any more of the
    mental garbage I was getting.
     
    So now I had a shield. I examined it curiously. It was a mental wall, a mental globe
    with me inside. Nothing was reaching me through it except the strands of the pattern. I
    wondered how I was supposed to open it for him. As I wondered, it began to disintegrate.
     
    It surprised me, scared me. I wanted it back.
     
    And it was back.
     
    Well, that wasn't hard to understand. The shield kept me secure as long as I wanted it
    to. And there were degrees of security.
     
    I began the disintegration process again, felt the shield grow thinner. I let it become a
    kind of screen—something I could receive other people's thoughts through. I
    experimented until I could hold it just heavy enough to keep out the kind of mental noise
    I had been picking up before and during my transition. It kept out the noise, but it didn't
    keep me in. I could reach out and sense whatever there was to be sensed. I swept my
    perception through the house experimentally.
     
    I sensed Vivian still asleep in Doro's bed. And, in another way, I sensed Doro beside
    her. Actually, I only sensed a human shape beside her—a body. I was aware of it in the
    way I was aware of the lamp on the night table beside it. I could read Vivian's thoughts
    with no effort at all. But somehow, without realizing it, I had drawn back from trying to
    read the mind of that other body. Now, cautiously, I started to reach into Doro's mind. It
    was like stepping off a cliff.
     
    I jerked back instantly, thickening my screen to a shield and struggling to regain my
    balance. As fast as I had moved to draw away, I had the feeling I had almost fallen. Safe
     

 
    as I knew I was in my own bed, I had the feeling that I had just come very near death.
     
    "You see?" said Karl as I lay gasping. "I told you you'd find out why actives don't
    read his mind. Now open again."
     
    "But what was it? What happened?"
     
    "You almost committed suicide."
     
    I stared at him.
     
    "Telepaths are the people he kills most easily," he said. "Normally he can only kill the
    person physically nearest to him. But he can kill telepaths no matter where they are. Or,
    rather, he can if they help him by trying to read his mind. It's like begging him to take
    you."
     
    "And you let me do it?"
     
    "I could hardly have stopped you."
     
    "You could have warned me! You were watching me, reading me. I could feel you
    with me. You knew what I was going to do before I did it."
     
    "Your own senses warned you. You chose to ignore them."
     
    He was colder than he had been on the day I met him. He was sitting there beside me
    in bed acting like I was his enemy. "Karl, what's the matter with you? You just worked
    your ass off trying to save my life. Now, for heaven's sake, you'd let me blunder to my
    death without saying a word."
     
    He took a deep breath. "Just open again. I won't hurt you. But I've got to find a way
    out of whatever it is you've caught me in."
     
    I opened. Obviously, he wasn't going to act human again until I did. I felt him reach
    into my mind, watched him review my memories—all those that had anything to do with
    the pattern. There wasn't much.
     
    So, in a couple of seconds he knew how little I knew. He had already found out he
    couldn't break away from the pattern. Now he knew for sure that I couldn't let him go
    either. He knew there wasn't even a way for him to force me to let him go. I wondered
    why he thought he'd have to force me—why he thought I wouldn't have let him go if I
    could have. He answered my thought aloud.
     
    "I just didn't believe anyone could create and maintain a trap like that