Free Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It by Leslie Becker-Phelps

happy.
    Lucy: I just wish you would do some things around the house unprompted by me; and
finish
what you start. How hard is that? But you don’t, and I end up having to do everything by myself—like the laundry and cleaning up and even planning our vacations. You say you love me, but I don’t feel it anymore. I just feel so alone in it all.
    Ken: (
matter-of-fact manner
) Well, I promise to do a better job setting the table; and I’ll do more laundry, too.
    Doesn’t sound very promising, does it? Interestingly, they both
think
they’re working on the relationship, but…
    Like Lucy, you might get caught in this pattern, focusing on either wanting to feel connected or on feeling a lack of connection; sometimes both. And so you protest against your partner’s distance. Lucy does this by demanding attention and responsiveness. But her avoidant partner’s distance reinforces her sense of not being loved and her fear that she is not worthy of love. Desperate, she does all she can to fight for her relationship, including making many concessions to her partner, but also making frantic demands for more responsiveness from him. Their interactions make her feel lonely and reinforce her negative thinking about him and their relationship (for examples, see the table that follows). Steeped in her own emotions, she does not recognize his distress in response to her demands.
    Or maybe you’re more like Ken. You might be a generally avoidant person, but feel anxiety as well. An avoidant person caught in this pattern focuses on wanting to keep an emotionally safe distance and to stonewall his partner’s anger or disapproval. Ken is more comfortable when he is independent and in a powerful—not vulnerable—position with Lucy. When she becomes upset, he tries to emotionally distance himself from her feelings and from his own fears of separation. He does this by thinking about her in a negative way (for examples, see the table). He also withdraws, turning more strongly to his inclination to be self-reliant. In doing this, he fails to recognize or understand Lucy’s bids for closeness, warmth, and reassurance; or how his lack of emotional expressiveness and lack of warmth make her feel painfully alone.

    The most frequent long-term pattern for these couples is that both partners become more extreme in their positions. However, for many of them, there is eventually a flip in their roles. Over years, the avoidant person becomes more distant and hostile; and the anxious person becomes more upset and resorts to more intense protest behaviors, such as also being hostile or threatening to leave. But in between stormy times, the anxious person reflects on positive memories and feelings, leading her to reach out in a more positive, reconciliatory way. The avoidant partner, however, remains withdrawn and angry. Gradually, the anxious partner gives up trying. Often, in those couples that marry, the wife—who is likely the anxious partner—decides to leave after the children grow up and move out (though she doesn’t always wait that long). Taken unawares, the husband then sometimes desperately pursues her. Although complex, this is a very common scenario.
    The pursuit-withdrawal dynamic goes especially wrong in some relationships, which end up being controlling and sometimes abusive. An anxious partner may resort to intimidation or aggression in order to get attention, reassurance, or love from an unresponsive and detached partner. Occasionally, it’s the avoidant partner who is aggressive, though this is more often passive aggression—expressed, for instance, in cold silence, rolling eyes, or other ways of being disrespectful. This behavior is the avoidant partner’s way of trying to get the anxious partner to back off.
    Exercise: What Would a Fly on the Wall See in Your Home?
    It can be very enlightening to pay attention to the patterns of communication in your relationship—especially those related to conflicts. Noting the feelings,