Free 333 Miles by Craig Birk

Cucamonga.”
    Gary: “Good call. Anyway, any trip is more
complete if it includes a stop in Rancho Cucamonga.”
    Mike: “Yeah, definitely In-N-Out.”
    Roger was also inspired: “Fuckin’ A,” he
chimed in from the back seat, apparently less asleep than he
appeared.
    Seventeen miles later, Alex pulled into the
right lane and pulled off onto Foothill Boulevard, Rancho
Cucamonga. Immediately on the right, in the parking lot of a
nondescript strip-mall, a relatively modern-looking stand-alone
In-N-Out Burger beckoned. There was an open parking spot right by
the front door and Alex eased into it. Roger seized the opportunity
to rip a loud fart just as the car came to a stop.
    Alex was not amused: “Dude, fucking prick.
You couldn’t wait another ten seconds?”
    Roger was clearly pleased with himself: “I
just thought you guys would want a little appetizer.”
    All four doors opened and three of the guys
rapidly exited the car. Alex reached toward the sky and
simultaneously got up on his tippy-toes trying to stretch out from
the first part of the drive. Gary had to pee and broke into a slow
jog, entered the restaurant and immediately turned right once
inside the doors. Though he had not been there for a few years, his
brain recalled a detailed knowledge of the layout of this
particular In-N-Out.
    The other three slowly walked toward the
front door, happy to be out of the car, and looking forward to
eating. There were only four people in line for food. By the time
Gary rejoined them, Alex had reached the register. Somewhere
between the car and the entrance, Alex had swapped his Ray Bans for
wrap-around silver Elvis sunglasses which he donned inside the
restaurant.
    Much to his delight, the girl working the
register was extremely attractive. She looked to be about
twenty-four, with long brown hair, large breasts that snuggled
perfectly inside her white In-N-Out crested blouse, and beautiful
big brown eyes that sparkled as if they possessed their own energy
source. She looked like a fairy tale character that had been
accidentally transported into a fast food restaurant. With a
perfect smile, she asked, for the two hundred and fourteenth time
that day, “Welcome to In-N-Out. What can I help you with
today?”
    Alex resisted the urge to reply with his
first instinct, instead scanning the menu and then looking down at
the girl’s chest to read her nametag. Tara, it said. She was
wearing the In-N-Out uniform, but not the paper hat that the rest
of the crew had. He also noticed that she smelled nice, similar to
the standard vanilla-strawberry stripper scent, only more elegant.
Curiously, it blended well with the omnipresent cow meat and fried
potato aroma permeating the establishment.
    Alex: “Hi Tara. Today, I would like a
double-double with no mayo, mustard, ketchup or sauce of any kind.
And also fries and a large Diet Coke.”
    Tara informed him the cost would be $6.15.
Alex pulled his wallet from the front pocket of his sweat pants and
opened it up. After rifling through a stack of bills and unable to
find something small, he peeled off a hundred dollar bill and
handed it too her.
    She checked it for authenticity, then counted
out his change and handed him a receipt. “Here you go, you are
number twenty-nine. Your order will be out in about fifteen
minutes,” she informed him.
    Alex was puzzled. “Fifteen minutes, what’s
the deal with that?” he asked, though his tone was more flirty than
truly annoyed.
    “We don’t make it until you order it sir,”
Tara replied.
    Alex looked back up at the menu, trying to
see if he missed something the first time. Nothing had changed. The
only items were the three burger choices, fries and a selection of
beverages. He looked back at Tara and removed the Elvis glasses.
“Did I catch you guys off-guard by ordering a burger?” he
asked.
    Tara was not used to getting attitude from
the customers and was annoyed. “I am sorry sir, please just wait
for your order,” she requested