Free Girl Trouble by Miranda Baker

making it impossible to breathe, to think, and Bonita was walking toward the door. Kat braced her hands against the table, feeling shaken to her core, the way she always felt right before she mastered the emotional heart of an intense scene. She didn’t have time to mine her emotions now. If she let Bonita leave, she was going to lose her. It’ll be just like it used to be.
    “No,” Kat commanded.
    Bonita jerked to a stop in the doorway.
    Kat stood, feeling the weight of a dozen years of disappointment drop from her shoulders. Adrenalin surged through her, filling her with exhilaration and terror.
    “No,” she said again, harshly, testing how it felt. Right and true .
    She heard Johnny’s voice in her head. “Who holds the power in every scene?”
    “The Dominant.”
    “Wrong,” Destiny drawled. “The submissive.”
    The accord between Destiny and Johnny had been visible, palpable, seemingly irrevocable, and Kat had been filled with envy while watching them play. By the end of the week, she’d understood what they meant, and she understood it even more deeply now. Bonita made the rules in their relationship, but it was Kat’s job to push her boundaries. Push? Hell, she wanted to change the entire game, but in order for that to happen, Bonita had to want it, too. Not only that, she had to admit she wanted it. She had to ask for it.
    Kat walked over to Bonita. “I can’t do this anymore. Now that I know what it could be like for us to be together—really together—I don’t want anything less.”
    Bonita lifted her chin. “You chose this. You left Norton. You left me to launch your career. It’s too late to change your mind.”
    Kat shook her head. “I was a stupid, eighteen-year-old kid who didn’t know love is rare. I thought I had something to prove before I could be happy, but I was dead wrong. So were you. Let’s give credit where credit is due—it wasn’t just me. You told me to go, over and over, the first time I left Norton and every year after that. You never asked me to stay. Not once.”
    “You were dying to go. Why on earth would I ask you to stay?”
    “You should have asked me to stay because you loved me.”
    “Like that would have stopped you from leaving,” Bonita scoffed.
    She was right. The knowledge stood between them, holding them apart like a buffer zone of insecurity and doubt. Kat pushed through it. “Ask me now,” she challenged.
    Bonita shook her head. “You’re not the one leaving this time.”
    “It’s not too late, Bonita. All the reasons we can’t be together are gone.” All except one—her career—and that was losing significance as her vision of their future solidified. “Your parents are dead, my love. They can’t disapprove anymore. And mine certainly aren’t complaining about the money I dump into their bank account. Do we really care about the rest of the world?”
    “Kat, you’re being an idiot. Even if you were serious about ruining your career, let’s not pretend you’re a one-woman woman. You had a freaking ménage right before I got here. How long before more pretty pictures show up in the paper? You aren’t exactly famous for monogamy.”
    Of course Bonita didn’t trust her. Kat had left her, year after year. Bonita didn’t know she had missed her every moment. “I did it because she looked like you. As for the boyfriend, I always take the men to bed, too. Much better to get a reputation for indulging in the occasional ménage than to have anyone think the Come-Hither Queen is gay, right? I’m sick of it. I don’t care anymore. As of this minute, consider me retired. That way if you leave me, it won’t be because you want to save my career. I can’t stop you from going, but at least admit you’re leaving me because you don’t want to stay.” That was the crux of it, the heart. Bonita never asked her to stay.
    “I’ll call you when I get home,” Bonita said, taking a step down the hall.
    Not good enough…never good enough.
    Kat